Saturday, May 26, 2012

Paul (of you know, The Bible) said, "I am content whether I have or I have not."  He also stated that he learned how to be content.  I wish I could be more like Paul.  I had the chance to slow down a bit today and it only made me notice how incredibly lonely I am.  The fact that my blog is who I talk to it just well, pathetic.

Shawn has quit his full time to run the business full time.  I'm fine with it, I really am.  I was the one who pushed him to do so when he was conflicted about it.  But naturally, there's extra worry, more concern, bundles of stress.  We don't see each other much, which means we also do not have time to nit pick & argue.  That's a good thing.  But again, it's also terribly lonely.

Last week someone close to me told me something very painful.  I am the only one who has to share in this long kept secret.  It nearly ripped me in two.  I stood in the shower the next day, sobbing so hard that my entire body was shaking.  "God," I cried, "I'm not strong enough for this!  I'm not!"  I had felt like God spoke back to me with...."No.  You're not strong enough.  But I am."

I'm starting to second myself and what I felt like I had heard.  Why is it that one day I feel big enough to take on the entire world, and the next....feel as small as a mouse waiting to be crushed?