Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Anxiety

been thinking about getting some couseling at a church or soemthing, somewhere free.  I'm right there, right on the edge.  I've got many people crying on my shoulder.  I cannot comfort them, just listen and shoulder what burden I can.  I'm stressed from my job, I'm stressed from hatring my job.  I'm stressed over our small business.  I'm stressed because shawn comes home looking for things to be upset about if he already isn't and exhales air that makes me upset.

I'm stressed about money, weight gain, loan payments, lack of sleep, too much whiskey.  I'm stressed because the perswon who told me a deep dark secret months ago now wants it known to another certain person.  And this person has asked me to be there for moral support, to speak when this person is crying too much to speak.  We have to keep this tight, from leaking outward to other people.  There is so much shame.  Do I have the strength for this person?  I cry over what happened.  I cry because I can't fix it.  I cry because of things to come.

I've been crying for 20 minuets.  I cannot stop.

God, if you're out there, listening....
I just want my life to be simple.  Less complicated.  Simple.


Monday, October 15, 2012

The Day My Mom Asked, "Why Not Me Instead?"

My mom and her brother Darrell have watched everyone around them die.  And they are only in their mid-fifties.  For a couple or three years now, Darrell has been managing with skin cancer on his face that we suspect has moved into his brain.  And now Mom has to watch him die.

After the last MRI and Darrell's refusal to have another surgery, Mom called me everyday for two straight weeks, crying.  Everyone else has succumbed to heart attacks, illnesses, and cancer, cancer, cancer.  There is so much cancer.

"Just leave me one!" Mom cried.

Darrell and Mom cried together over the time they've lost.  He was sorry for his grudges, for having missed me & my sister grow up.  I was sorry too, however I never held it against him.  I brushed his hair after his last surgery and it must've took an hour but ended up being quite comical as I yanked on hair matted with dried blood and Darrell yelped so loudly the entire floor woke up.

I hadn't seen Darrell since.  Last Saturday we drove to my cousin's house where he is staying and I finally got to see Darrell again.  My cousin, Tammy, who I was meeting for the first time graciously opened her home to my uncle.  I told her how glad I was to finally meet her, I felt like I knew her.  She said Darrell brags on me all the time.  I joked that I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Darrell and I are a lot alike in some aspects.  We talk constantly and have little filter.  My mom cries that she can't imagine him not being here, that she's going to miss him so much.  I tell her not to get depressed over something that hasn't happened yet.  There's still time for a miracle.  But my faith has waned.

Are our prayers falling on deaf ears?  Surely, there must be more than 2 on this earth that would agree it would be good if Darrell were healed.  If any two on earth are in agreement....

Mom continues to pray without ceasing.  She is like a child.  She truly does have a childlike faith.  I admire her so much for it.  I also envy her.  If it were not for her faith, she may have been crushed by all the deaths and endless funerals already.  I know I certainly would have.

I've been listening to a song called "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons.  It encourages me to believe that those who have gone before us are kneeling down and waiting for the rest of us.  At least that's my take on the song.  Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold.

I so look forward to meeting my grandfather.  I can't wait to see my grandmother, pre-cancerous.  I hope my uncle will be healed.  But I know he will wait for us if he is not.