Monday, November 25, 2013

Not My Skin

This morning at work I was hangin clothes and could see my own breath.  Indoors, mind you.  It's like tyhis every winter and every winter I am so fucking miserable.  I kept thinking this wasn't meant for me.  I don't need to be here, in this place where my hands & feet are so cold they hurt.  I fought tears all day.

I keep feeling like this isn't me.  I wasn't born in the right time or place.  This isn't my skin, this isn't my body--it can't be!  How can this fat ugly body be mine?  I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin and go somewhere--anywhere else. 

As always, soon the stinging behind my eyes turns to rage that I do not conceal.  I cuss out loud and while I do not throw things I may perhaps, things down loudly and such.  I cannot contain it.  The frustration eats me alive from the outside.  I curse myslf for thinking of what could have been, other choices I could have made.  Why do that?  It's not going to make me any warmer, any happier. 

Soon, I'm fighting back tears.  I hate this place.  I hate this job.  I hate that even after 9 or 10 hours on the clock, I face another 5 or 6 when I clock out.  Every winter I think it's going to be the one that breaks me.  And yet I survive.

I'm so fucking tired.  Exhausted.  Tired of thinking about what could have been, what should have been.  You stupid, fat, ugly cow.  You fucked up everything!  Nobody cares if you're cold. 

I gotta get out of here.  It's only been one very cold day, the first of many and it's already breaking me.  I'm home now, alone and sobbing freely.  This cannot be my skin.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

50/50

So much has happened and yet so much has not yet happened.  Oddly enough, Shawn was approached by a couple of ladies through an aquaintance.  They wanted a partnership to build an electronic cigarette shop.  They know there's decent enough profits there but know little about the product or where to buy it wholsale.  Shawn can supply such information. 

We all had a meeting, my first, everyone else's second.  It seemed so promising until last night.  I took it all to mean that these women would put up about $10,000 or so to cover the first round of merchandise & supplies.  We would supply the juice.  We would run the store, reorder, deal with customersa nd so forth.  Theyw ould not give up their jobs or income.  We would.  And the profits would be split 50/50.  Forever.

A lot of things were said very quickly.  A lot of numbers were thrown about.  For about twenty minuets, Shawn argued with on of the women.  We left last night on good terms.  It was a whirlwind of information so fast I didn't have time time to absorb it all.  When this all began, it seemed like a good idea.  They have money; we do not.  We have knowledge; they do not.  I was wary at first but the more Shawn spoke of these women, the more I fell on board.  Until last night.


The next morning, at work I had time to think.  I wouldn't bust my ass at work for 50% of my paycheck.  We're giving up Shawn's business and my steady, secure paycheck.  They are giving up, what...ten grand?  They keep their jobs so what are they risking exactly?  Their homes are paid for; they're older than we are.  Our house is not paid for, not by far.  We discussed the risks of being taken advantage of.  Would they merely take our wholsale information and run?

It's quite possible.  This is an almost guarenteed money maker.  The only problem is that we don't have the money to get it started.  In a couple of months, we may have enough to half ass it.  Don half assed it and cleared $22,000 in 30 days.

That's another thing that bothers me too.  Normally, I"m not the jealous kind.  I usually feel as long as I have a roof and food, I have nothing to be jealous of.  Normally I am quite content, except maybe when I cannot find the right sort of coupons.  But usally I am mostly content even when we are peniless, which is quite often.  Lately though I'vew feeling a surging rage of jealously.  Don is a half-wit, most how have met him will agree on that.  He's seems to have tripped into this business, didn't know what he was doing--I know this because he would call Shawn, who he just met asking, "What do I do?!!"

And suddenly this man is rich.  I feel like after everything we've done, all the money we've borrowed and spent and the endless, endless hours we've put in...

It should be us.  What an easy, air conditioned way to make tens of thousands in a month.  Yes, I am quite ashamed that I feel this way, deeply ashamed.  I cannot tuck this feeling away and I keep asking, why does everything have to be so damn hard ALL THE TIME?  OK, God, I've experienced struggle.  I've been hungry and cold.  Can you give us a break for once, maybe?  Hmm?  I do not like this side of me.  I hate it.  But I am also tired of my job, I can't do this forever.  I'm tired of the hours spent searching for coupons, eating dinner an hour before bed, and the sleep loss.

Wasn't I meant for something better?  I don't have to be rich, hell I don't want to be rich.  I want things to stop being so fucking hard.  I want us to catch a break!  I want to work in a place where the profits will be mine, not an hourly wage, barely making the bills.  I want heat int he winter, a/c in the summer.  I want to stop sweating and shivering so damn much.  I gotta get away from some of my coworkers!  I swear if I keep my thoughts to myself any longer someone's gonna slapped in the mouth!  OK, that's really just one and I've gotten really good at keeping my shit together.  I'm afraid after another year or two of being hot and cold and dealing with this chick's mouth I;'m just gonna freaking lose it.

Yeah, I guess a lot of this is talk.  I'm just immesley frustrated with everything in general.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Vicious Green Eyed Monster

I'll just go ahead and say it.  It should've been us to have the $20,000 per month profit store.  It's easy for me to say that because I don't really know Don and Victoria.  It may be that they've overcome some hardships and truly deserve all this, not that deserving or not deserving is a good reason for being jealous.  There is never a good reason to be jealous.  It's a combination of me being so tired of watching literally every dime and nickel, years of eBay struggles, and idly watching as others succeed.  It's not as though I've been sitting on my ass waiting for a miracle to happen.  We're doers in this household, dammit!

Part of my jealously stems from Don's stupidity.  He's been in business a little over a month.  He made $22,000 profit in his first 30 days and now he's raising prices.  Stupid.  He's going to drive his customers right intot he cheap, loving arms of internet orders.  When he gave Shawn suppliues to start making liquids, he'd left invoices in the box.  We knew exactly where he'd ordered from and as such, we ordered from those places.  We're going to order batteries and tanks to sell to friends and eBay so we can prepare a $20K profit store for ourselves.

When Shawn delivers a box of liquids to Don, he whips out a wad of cash (in front of customers too) to pay him.  Don flashes this wad of cash in front of people--not just Shawn.  He's so inviting a robbery.  He talks way too much.  But because of his ignornace and diarhea of the mouth (seriously diarhea) we know exactly where to drive for emergency merchandise, where to order, how much to pay, etc.  We have learned from Don's mistakes and we also possess common sense--something not held by the majority of the population.

Shawn and I discussed where to open a store and it's not that he's against burning Don.  Of course we both hold very high moral standards, it's the idea enough money to be made by all.  SHawn's convinced that there's not enough customers in our city.  "Don's customers LOVE him.  They wouldn't do business any where else," Shawn explained.  They might if he raises prices like he's doing.  He's already added $10 to a basic starter kit.  He buys it for $5 and was selling for $40.  Now he wants $50.  Because he's greedy.  And stupid.

On Don's store facebook page, he has "liked" every vapor store from here to who knows where.  Why?  Because he's stupid.  He's created a virtual yellow pages for his competition on his very own page.  We could do this better.  You don't raise prices before Christmas--you create a sale.  Give the gift of quitting smoking for Christmas!  I'm so much smarter than this. 

We're not yet sure if this other douche is gonna open a store in Harker Heights.  We were thinking that even if he did, if it were far away enough from our ideal area, it wouldn't matter.  The area we're thinking of I would imagine, has gargantuan rent, but the area is conveinet, in a really decent neighborhood and would assume high profits.  We couldn't fail.  And we have yet to see if this douche is serious. 

I'm not sure yet what's going to happen for us.  I really try, so hard, not to get my hopes up because I'm so fed up with disapointment.  I don't know what's in store for us.  I hope it does happen because if we were making a fraction of what Don makes, we wouldn't have to it for very long.  We could retire young and enjoy life.  We could help people with this money.  And yes, as harsh and I come off, I really want to help my parents, my nieces get a hard start on life, and I'd really love to stock the local pantries with food.  I don't want to do these things so I can feel good about myself and say, "Look at what I did!"  I want to do these things because I've never had the means to before. 

Shawn and I have always felt this way.  We decided long ago, we'd set up scholarships for less privaliged kids, like my nephew--one helped him at least get started.  I'd always wanted to save animals from the death needle in shelters and volunteer at the children's hospital--or at least donate tons of fun board games.  All these things take money and time--neither of which are available at the moment.  I want my dad to be able to retire and I want to pay for my mom's back pain to be taken away.  After all she's been through, she deserves to be pain free.

Even though I'm bitter and jealous, I still have good intentions.  I'm passionate enough about these causes that there's no way I'd let them slip through my fingers once the money started rolling in.  I'm tired of listening to my mom cry over the phone and I would be devasted if my nieces (with 1.5 years of school left) wound up working in a place full of chemicals, noise and weather. 
My family deserves better.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I'm throwing a pity party and everyone's invited! (byob--lots of it)

Hope deffered makes the heart sick.
--The Bible

I don't know exactly where in the Bible it says that but just take my word for it; it's in there.  I practically woke up crying this monring and fought tears all day at work.  So much has happened.  So much that was supposed to happen, didn't.  And so I awoke with tears in my eyes.  SOmething was taken from me last night--my last shred of hope.

I'll elaborate.  First of all, I was telling Shawn that because of the rain--lots and lots of rain--Darrell's ashes would not return to the earth.  I explained to him that it probably won't be this weekend ewither.  "Why?" he demanded.
"Because Nikki's sister is coming down," I replied.
"So?" asked Shawn.
I explained that we cannot route this event around the weekends of 30 people but for some reason this side of the family does not apply and that Nikki suggested maybe we should just wait till January, after the holidays.
"WHAT?!" Shawn was furious and then decided to make a joke.  "But we can't do it in January--that's my BIRTHDAY MONTH!!"

So that's that.  Whatever.

About 11 years ago we decided to give eBay a go and I soon developed a stern hatred for the beast.  I've told SHawn over and over how I hate doing it, it's such a hassle and he throws a fit and whines until I give in and simply continue doing it.  We started small and began watching what others were selling.  We would see such people were making a killing on said items.  We'd buy said item ourselves and sell them for peanuts.  No matter what we tried, how many times we tried it or in what ways we tried it, we always made peanuts.  We had fantastic dreams of quitting our jobs over this but it was always quickly squashed.

I used to remember all the different items we'd sold but I've long since forgotten.  The video game thing was the most devasting.  As oon as we got rolling a little bit, Buy.com came into ebay and ruined it for everyone.  We wern't the only ones that got hurt by these mega sellers.

I've hated my job for a long time and I've followed SHawn's coat tails for a long, long time.  Over two years ago, Shawn quit his job to start up his business Hot Torch Designs.  We took out loans, refinanced the house (making the house payment astronomical) and seetled in to bide our time.  Last November he had no jobs at all.  We were ina dire situation for several months.  I even got food stamps for the first time in our lives.  They gave me $72 each month for six months.  Doesn't sound like much, but I made it work to my advantage.

This November he's been offered 3 well paying jobs--all within a week.  I wondered where all this was this time last year when he had little to eat.  We decided to bypass these offers because of one reason:
Shawn had decided to open an electronic cigarette store.

This came to us by pure accident.  Shawn had worked for the same employeer as Victoria.  Victoria is married to Don, who a month ago opend a e-cig shop.  Don came to Shawn to mix the liquids.  He wanted no part of it and the guy he hired to do turned out to be a scame artist.  Over the next couple of weeks, we received rave, rave, rave reviews on the liquids.  Shawn observed how much money Do was making over cheap Chinese made products and decided this would be the best route for us.  Also, Don talks way too much without being asked.  He told SHawn in his first month of business he cleared $22,000 profits. 

That's stupid amounts of money.  Once I heard this, I was on board with SHawn.  I thought of all the things I would not have to do or put up with if I didn't work at the cleaners.  No harmful chemicals (pretty much), climate controlled!  No sweltering summers or freezing winters.  I said once aghain, "I don't know if I can handle another winter here."  I say it every year however this time around we've got TWO exhaust fans in the wall and I'm pretty much the only one standing NOT going through menopause.  I spent most of each winter trying not to cry because I am so miserable and cold and I cannot beleive I ended up in this place.

Anyways, we decied that Don already has a customer base we'd open a store in Harker Heights, small enough to function in but big enough to grab profits and entice the soldiers of Ft. Hood.  Shawn had lined up 2 or 3 jobs that would secure the means for opening the store.  If we made half as much as Don in our first month, we'd be pretty well off.  Really well off.

Last night Don called & explained to SHawn that he had set up SHawn's liquid making talents for a new store opening in Harker Heights.  And that's where it all fell apart.  This guy is a childhood friend of Don's so he's showing the guy the ropes.  I failed to state earlier that Don isn't the sharpest pencil in the box.  In fact, he's kinda dumb about some stuff.  Nicest dude you'll meet, but dumb.  This makes at least 2 store in Heights that we know of.  Killen is taken over and SHawn's doesn't set up here in town becxause of Don's customer bases.  Personally I think he doesn't want to take away from Don and after 11 years of trying to make something work--I hate to say it, I really do--but I'm at the point of saying, Take what you can and fuck the rest. 

We don't know these people super well or are even close with them.  I personally don't think a little competition would hurt anyone but well, this is shawn.  I've gotten harder; he's grown softer.  I hate my fucking job.  I hate the cold, the sweaty stinky heat.  I hate the lack of common sense of my coworkers.  I hate dealing with poop!  I'm sick of touching used tissues in pockets and I'm sick of useless conversations that go no where just because someone feels the need to chat (I swear these people CANNOT read my mood--It's simple.  My mood says this:  GO AWAY!)

I'll never make much more salary than what I've got and we're never going to get anywhere making peanuts.  we've always got debts and huge house payments.  When things start looking ok, one of the dogs had a $400 vet bill or something. 

SO this monring I woke up crying.  I sobbed freely until it was time to drive and then I forced myself to push it down as I always do.  They say stuffing down your feelings causes tumors.  I must be riddled with them but I wasn't any better when I talked about my feelings all the time.  It makes me sick to remember how I used to be and it still makes me sick when others behave that way.  Shut the fuck up, put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!

However, it was difficulkt to simply accept all this as the cold front moved in.  To be rational, Shawn's got Don and two new stores lined up for liquid making.  I suppose we could hit the head shops and tobacco stores with samples....

...and what, become thousandaires?  I guess it's better than nothing but we've been with nothing for a very long time and I'm growing very impatinet.  This morning I cleaned the workplace microwave.  Again.  There was fuzzy mold growing on the base, under the turn plate.  I'm so sick of these filthy fucking people.  I ate my monring oatmeal, trying not to cry.

Sometime in the afternoon, the recesses of my memory spoke to me.  An old Joyce Meyer CD replayed in my head as she reminded me that God may have another plan in the works.  Just because you told God your plans does not mean it's God's plan.  Well, I sure wish he'd give me a little hint or let me in on it just a tiny bit.  I'm so tired of being so frustrated all the time.

Allow me to say right here that Shawn has finally quit smoking and I am thankful for that beyonw what words can describe.  I have also asked God to make my dogs stop peeing on the rug and he hasn't asnwered me.  I suppose it'll be another eight years and perhaps the dogs will go where their supposed to go 100% of the time rather than the current 70%.

Agin, very frustrating and I've about had it.  I feel as though I want to deperastely give up and quit.  I give up several times a year.  I always pick myself back up but I am afraid there may come a time when I cannot pick myself up after another disappointment.  God, is it truly your plan to have us fail at everything all the time?  I'm afarid I'll be at the cleaners for the rest of my life, or at least until they find a spot on my lung. 
I'm so glad I'm me.