Paul (of you know, The Bible) said, "I am content whether I have or I have not."  He also stated that he learned how to be content.  I wish I could be more like Paul.  I had the chance to slow down a bit today and it only made me notice how incredibly lonely I am.  The fact that my blog is who I talk to it just well, pathetic.

Shawn has quit his full time to run the business full time.  I'm fine with it, I really am.  I was the one who pushed him to do so when he was conflicted about it.  But naturally, there's extra worry, more concern, bundles of stress.  We don't see each other much, which means we also do not have time to nit pick & argue.  That's a good thing.  But again, it's also terribly lonely.

Last week someone close to me told me something very painful.  I am the only one who has to share in this long kept secret.  It nearly ripped me in two.  I stood in the shower the next day, sobbing so hard that my entire body was shaking.  "God," I cried, "I'm not strong enough for this!  I'm not!"  I had felt like God spoke back to me with...."No.  You're not strong enough.  But I am."

I'm starting to second myself and what I felt like I had heard.  Why is it that one day I feel big enough to take on the entire world, and the next....feel as small as a mouse waiting to be crushed?

Because This Makes Me Smile

Too Much Caffeine

About yesterday...  I have not been sleeping much lately.  It's caught up with me.  To count act this, I upped my caffeine intake yesterday from 2 cups of coffee to pretty much everything in the world containing caffeine. 

Total for the day:
2 cups of coffe
about a half gallon of diet pepsi
one crystal light energy drink
one Starbucks espresso double shot
2 more cups of coffee

With each drink I would wait 30 minuets for it to enter my blood stream and discover that it did squat for my energy levels.  I'm scared of harder drugs for energy so I just upped the caffeine all day.  It did some funky things to my concentration though. 

After I read the story about Justice the dog, I thought about it a lot at work.  I planned out what I might write.  It was articulate, well thought out and very smart.  After dumping gallons of coffee and stuff into my body, however I would type something--anything--and it might appear ont he screen as so:  dhgtyw

You see my problem.  Also, I had remembered only this morning a funny way to describe my anger.  In nerd terms, the Jedi Masters would never have accepted me as a student, even as a baby.  I was very angry as a baby.

I also wanted to vent a little about a co-worker and somehow work that into my Justice The Dog story but I wasn't sure how to fit it in.  This portion of the program will now be dedicated to:

Liz:  The Story About ME!  (nominated for 5 Emmys!)

I decided to stop talking to Liz unless necessary for work.  She had become a poison.  I caught myself gossiping to her about another employee who wore to work a fish net style shirt (the kind of thing you use a bathing suit cover up) over a bra.  And nothing else.  I know it's hot in the dry cleaners, but come on!

Have I really become this person?  So I decided to act real busy instead.  One day this week I had just about had it with another employee "forgetting" everything and I needed to blow off some steam before I got real mean with this person so I ran to Liz and told her how sick I was of going behind this person and doing half their job!!!!

"Oh, that's just like when Sally says this and does that and I really don't care about you're problem because you just spoke so now it's my turn and blah blah blah nobody is listening anymore because all I ever talk is my problems and issues and stories!"

Um, no.  This isn't anything like you're problem with Sally.  Not at all.  I said a comment to wrap it up and walked away.  What was I thinking?

In other news, I remembered this morning why I had stopped writing.  I feel as though I have to write about my opinion on everything in the entire world and suddenly remembered that no one cares!  I will never be Dave Barry and I will not be able to write about everything and make everyone laugh.

No one cares about my weight issues and food issues.  No one cares about my opinion on trans-gendered folks winning beauty competitions.  No one cares about that stuff because I don't care about that stuff regarding other people!  For some reason I feel like I need to change the world because I found out about certain foods that just might change the world.  You know what?  I'm not the only one who knows about whole grain bread!  I do not need to list everything I eat and explain my emotional eating.  Thsi is America--pretty much everyone does that anyways!

So I'll probably be taking another long extended break from writing.  My puppy is whining (I swear she sounds like a small child) because I am currently ignoring her because I am involved in this stupid blog.

To wrap it up here, I leave you with this:  All the thousands of milligrams of caffeine I sucked down yesterday did eventually kick in.  Right at bedtime.

Cheers!