Anxiety

been thinking about getting some couseling at a church or soemthing, somewhere free.  I'm right there, right on the edge.  I've got many people crying on my shoulder.  I cannot comfort them, just listen and shoulder what burden I can.  I'm stressed from my job, I'm stressed from hatring my job.  I'm stressed over our small business.  I'm stressed because shawn comes home looking for things to be upset about if he already isn't and exhales air that makes me upset.

I'm stressed about money, weight gain, loan payments, lack of sleep, too much whiskey.  I'm stressed because the perswon who told me a deep dark secret months ago now wants it known to another certain person.  And this person has asked me to be there for moral support, to speak when this person is crying too much to speak.  We have to keep this tight, from leaking outward to other people.  There is so much shame.  Do I have the strength for this person?  I cry over what happened.  I cry because I can't fix it.  I cry because of things to come.

I've been crying for 20 minuets.  I cannot stop.

God, if you're out there, listening....
I just want my life to be simple.  Less complicated.  Simple.

The Day My Mom Asked, "Why Not Me Instead?"

My mom and her brother Darrell have watched everyone around them die.  And they are only in their mid-fifties.  For a couple or three years now, Darrell has been managing with skin cancer on his face that we suspect has moved into his brain.  And now Mom has to watch him die.

After the last MRI and Darrell's refusal to have another surgery, Mom called me everyday for two straight weeks, crying.  Everyone else has succumbed to heart attacks, illnesses, and cancer, cancer, cancer.  There is so much cancer.

"Just leave me one!" Mom cried.

Darrell and Mom cried together over the time they've lost.  He was sorry for his grudges, for having missed me & my sister grow up.  I was sorry too, however I never held it against him.  I brushed his hair after his last surgery and it must've took an hour but ended up being quite comical as I yanked on hair matted with dried blood and Darrell yelped so loudly the entire floor woke up.

I hadn't seen Darrell since.  Last Saturday we drove to my cousin's house where he is staying and I finally got to see Darrell again.  My cousin, Tammy, who I was meeting for the first time graciously opened her home to my uncle.  I told her how glad I was to finally meet her, I felt like I knew her.  She said Darrell brags on me all the time.  I joked that I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Darrell and I are a lot alike in some aspects.  We talk constantly and have little filter.  My mom cries that she can't imagine him not being here, that she's going to miss him so much.  I tell her not to get depressed over something that hasn't happened yet.  There's still time for a miracle.  But my faith has waned.

Are our prayers falling on deaf ears?  Surely, there must be more than 2 on this earth that would agree it would be good if Darrell were healed.  If any two on earth are in agreement....

Mom continues to pray without ceasing.  She is like a child.  She truly does have a childlike faith.  I admire her so much for it.  I also envy her.  If it were not for her faith, she may have been crushed by all the deaths and endless funerals already.  I know I certainly would have.

I've been listening to a song called "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons.  It encourages me to believe that those who have gone before us are kneeling down and waiting for the rest of us.  At least that's my take on the song.  Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold.

I so look forward to meeting my grandfather.  I can't wait to see my grandmother, pre-cancerous.  I hope my uncle will be healed.  But I know he will wait for us if he is not.

A Lifetime

FRIDAY  "You'll never what I'm doing!!" I exclaimed to my mom over the phone as I taped an envelope.  This particular envelope was special because it was our last payment to the hospital.  We'd been paying on this bill, $50 per months so long that I cannot even remember what it was for.  Previously, we paid $50 per month on an ER visit I'd had after a bout with pneumonia.  I didn't have insurance & it wound up costing us over $3000.  As soon as it was paid, Shawn went into for something and left us with the current three year gig of paying that same $50 per month.

"I've just accepted that we'll pay $50 for the rest of our lives," I said to my mom.  "I'm sure as soon as this in the mail, something will happen."  I was joking.  I was not inviting bad karma.  I was totally and completely joking.  Period.

SATURDAY  I dropped the envelope into a mailbox and drove down the street for Zoe's yearly shots.  We'd known for a long time something had been wrong with her hind legs but I hadn't mentioned that yet.  Dr. Gosney rotated Zoe's legs and said she needed surgery on her knees.  Zoe had luxating patella, a condition in which the ligaments stretch and the knee slides across instead of settling in where it needs to be.  Eventually, the ligaments could stretch too much, causing great pain.  Or the ACL could rupture, causing lameness in the legs. 

Shawn and I thought our dog was a little fat & simply needed to walk her more to fix her odd walk.  I was emotional.  I spoke to the woman at the desk and after being quoted a price of $2350.00 for the surgery, I began to cry, right there in the veterinary clinic.

I took Zoe to the car and cried a few minuets to try & get it out of my system before hitting the interstate.  I pulled into our drive way and sobbed hard before getting out of the car.  My shoulders shook and I wheezed.  Where would we get this money!  Shawn's self-employed now, it's not like we have steady cash coming in.

I broke the news to Shawn & we headed to bank, figuring we could get a loan payment for around $50 or close to what the hospital bill was.  Then, I decided, it would be as if nothing changed.

The payment turned out to be more around the figure of $77 per month.  I also decided I would work Saturdays to try to get the loan paid down as quickly as possible.  Now is not the time to have extra payments floating about. 

I cried all weekend.  I was exhausted.  We lost two pets int he last year and I could not bear the thought of something bad happening.  The recovery would surely prove to be stressful.  I'll be eaten alive with guilt being at work all day as Zoe will lie in her bed, unable to walk.

MONDAY  After speaking with my dad, I decided to get Zoe a second opinion.  I didn't feel right about it all.  Dr. Gosney announced, "Surgery!" and dumbfounded, I said, "OK!"  The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  The second opinion confirmed what had to be done, only this doctor spent a helluva lot more time with me, explaining everything in great detail. 

Apparently this is very common in small dogs, particularly Chihuahuas.  Zoe's extra weight isn't helping the knee problem, even though we've been walking her everyday.  The surgery is now scheduled for Thursday.  I figure Zoe will be on pain meds for Friday so I can feel it out over the weekend. 

I asked my parents to pray about all this because I don't have as close a relationship with The Big Guy as they do.  I did pray on Sunday though.  I literally dropped to my knees on the kitchen floor and prayed and begged and wept over my dog.

"I know she's not your child, but you treat her like one.  We'll do whatever needs to be done," Shawn said.  I only wished I had not yet used up my week's vacation.  I feel desperate to have it back.  Zoe feels about me much in the same way I feel about her.  If I leave the room, she comes and finds me and waits very patiently until I am done and we can finally play together.  This has to go well.  After the last year, I beleive I'd just about break in two if something happened.  It has to go well.