If you were to ask me what I had done in my twenties I would have to reply, "Nothing. Nothing at all." What I did was go to work, wash dishes, shop for groceries, fold laundry and sweep the floor. That's it. That is life. For people before me it was get up, milk the cows, feed the goats, churn the butter, change the diapers. Day after day after endless day.
I really do not understand the point of all this. Where does one find joy in doing the same damn thing every single day? What purpose does it serve other than to survive or help others survive? If all we're doing is surviving, what is there to living?
I'm not saying each day should a magical time at Disneyland, but I do not understand why we were put on this earth for such redundancy. What purpose does that serve?
In spite of my views on the purpose of life in general I can say that my life serves more purpose than some others. For some, their daily redundancy is to get up, take the pills, make sure the TV doesn't get up and run away, drink some beers, fall asleep. Not only do I know people that take to this daily behavior (and enjoy it) but I have them IN MY FAMILY!
On the one hand I think, "Why do you get to be so lazy and zoned out while I go off to a job I hate?" On the other hand I think to myself, "Well, at least I am contributing to society and am only 15 pounds over weight instead of 150."
What good does any of it do? There seems to be no point to any of it. In the past, you worked the fields until you were dead. In today's American society you work to pay your bills that never end and then you die. Surely, there is no parade.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Jealously
I've been watching a lot of the older episodes of The Big Bang Theory. If you don't know the show, most of the characters are really, really smart. The more I watch, the more jealous I become. I find myself wishing that I had been born smart. Oh, I'm smart in the general sense of speaking. But I am terrible at math and I don't "get" things right away. I am mechanically inept. If I had been born smart like the characters on the TV show, my life might have turned out quite different. I wouldn't be working at a dry cleaners, for example, developing six tumors at once.
Shawn has over the years developed a way of talking down to me, or taking out his frustrations on me when things aren't going his way. I'll spare you the details but we recently had to work together and it started all over again. The last time he became nasty with me for no apparent reason I wrote him a letter because it was the only way, I felt, that I'd be allowed to speak without being yelled at or interupted. Let me put it this way, if he had treated me like this early on, I would have never married him.
Shawn sometimes has a way of making me like the dumbest thing that ever lived and it makes me not only angry but also I feel about myself. He refuses to drive if we're going together and yet criticizes my driving every step of the way and acts like I am the worst driver on the freaking planet.
Let me mention here that Shawn is absent minded, very forgetful and does dumb ALL THE TIME. I don't treat him like a 2 year old for it by any means. I'm the one that crosses the Ts and dots the Is. It's what I do. I took 2 days off from work--TWO--a Friday and a Monday. Shawn was gone for most of Monday and when I got to work on Tuesday I was relieved. I cannot tell you how many vacations I've taken and have been glad--SO GLAD--to go back to work. And I really hate that fuckin' place.
It go to wondering if he's running some kind of internal experiment on how long I'll put up with this kind of stuff. Go ahead, do it some more and just see long I'll take it. Last time I pointed out to him that I am the only one on this earth that he treats this way. Not only that, I am the only one of this earth that helps him so much. A good part of my day--every day--is spent cleaning up after him, cooking for him and so on, but I help him with the business as well and no one in his family or circle of friends spends as much on this business as I do. And so I get treated like a dumb 2 year old.
It got me to thinking this morning (not the first time) that if anything were to happen between us I'd be royally fucked. I make $10.35 per hour which translates into $9.07 after taxes. I can't pay the bills on my own. I'd been thinking of what I could do (for the last 5 years) to get out of my job and thought maybe this time I'll actually speak to a college counselor and explain I have no skills, no money, little free time and I have no idea what to do. I need to make more money. I need to prepare for the day Shawn gets sick from inhaling plasma dust and paint fumes.
I have to do something. I continue to wish for something to happen because I feel stuck and honestly, I don't know what to do. My skills are limited because I hate people and math. I cannot sit in front of a computer for more than an hour before I start to ache all over and my head's about to explode. I start thinking about the corners I've backed myself into and I give up and merely wish for something good to happen to me.
But I know it won't just fall out of the sky. I have no rich relatives. I rarely play the lottery because it's not meant for me to win. And so I continue to wish I had been born smart, gone to college before I could legally work and set myself on a different path, one where I was self-sufficient and not dependent on a single soul.
Is this what was meant to be? To be married to what has become a verbally abusive husband, stuck in this house and working a dead end job where the guy hired 4 years ago makes more than me? Shawn had better not ever ask me to quit my job to work full time for him. Either I'd feel so bad about myself that I'd commit suicide or I'd kill him. Either outcome is bad. I need a job that has more take home pay so I can get out of this hole.
Shawn has over the years developed a way of talking down to me, or taking out his frustrations on me when things aren't going his way. I'll spare you the details but we recently had to work together and it started all over again. The last time he became nasty with me for no apparent reason I wrote him a letter because it was the only way, I felt, that I'd be allowed to speak without being yelled at or interupted. Let me put it this way, if he had treated me like this early on, I would have never married him.
Shawn sometimes has a way of making me like the dumbest thing that ever lived and it makes me not only angry but also I feel about myself. He refuses to drive if we're going together and yet criticizes my driving every step of the way and acts like I am the worst driver on the freaking planet.
Let me mention here that Shawn is absent minded, very forgetful and does dumb ALL THE TIME. I don't treat him like a 2 year old for it by any means. I'm the one that crosses the Ts and dots the Is. It's what I do. I took 2 days off from work--TWO--a Friday and a Monday. Shawn was gone for most of Monday and when I got to work on Tuesday I was relieved. I cannot tell you how many vacations I've taken and have been glad--SO GLAD--to go back to work. And I really hate that fuckin' place.
It go to wondering if he's running some kind of internal experiment on how long I'll put up with this kind of stuff. Go ahead, do it some more and just see long I'll take it. Last time I pointed out to him that I am the only one on this earth that he treats this way. Not only that, I am the only one of this earth that helps him so much. A good part of my day--every day--is spent cleaning up after him, cooking for him and so on, but I help him with the business as well and no one in his family or circle of friends spends as much on this business as I do. And so I get treated like a dumb 2 year old.
It got me to thinking this morning (not the first time) that if anything were to happen between us I'd be royally fucked. I make $10.35 per hour which translates into $9.07 after taxes. I can't pay the bills on my own. I'd been thinking of what I could do (for the last 5 years) to get out of my job and thought maybe this time I'll actually speak to a college counselor and explain I have no skills, no money, little free time and I have no idea what to do. I need to make more money. I need to prepare for the day Shawn gets sick from inhaling plasma dust and paint fumes.
I have to do something. I continue to wish for something to happen because I feel stuck and honestly, I don't know what to do. My skills are limited because I hate people and math. I cannot sit in front of a computer for more than an hour before I start to ache all over and my head's about to explode. I start thinking about the corners I've backed myself into and I give up and merely wish for something good to happen to me.
But I know it won't just fall out of the sky. I have no rich relatives. I rarely play the lottery because it's not meant for me to win. And so I continue to wish I had been born smart, gone to college before I could legally work and set myself on a different path, one where I was self-sufficient and not dependent on a single soul.
Is this what was meant to be? To be married to what has become a verbally abusive husband, stuck in this house and working a dead end job where the guy hired 4 years ago makes more than me? Shawn had better not ever ask me to quit my job to work full time for him. Either I'd feel so bad about myself that I'd commit suicide or I'd kill him. Either outcome is bad. I need a job that has more take home pay so I can get out of this hole.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Stuck
I am not normally the jealous sort of person. I have been lately. I've been feeling jealously all the time and I hate myself for it. I used to be happy just to have a bed and full belly and lately I've been jealous of everybody for everything.
When Darrell moved in with my cousin Tammy, I visited her house once. She never married, became a nurse and bought her own house. I was really jealous of her house; it was beautiful. I was jealous also because it was spotless--because she had no spouse to louse it up and make it dirty and cluttered.
I wish I could be seventeen again and know what I know now. I'd go to school, get a good paying job and a house with no carpet. I wish people were afraid of me the way they're afraid of Monica on friends. Her house is a land where no one can spill. I wish I had a buddy I could go to Zumba classes with, maybe running in the park. I wish I had a small enconomy sized car that cost only $30 to fill the tank (thanks girl who ran the stop sign & totalled my Mazda--THANKS!!)
I can't go back. I cannot change things. I sometimes feel too stupid (and too broke) to go back to school. The constant clutter and dirtiness drives me crazy. It makes me insane to search for a pair of scissors that should be IN THAT DRAWER!!!!!! I cannot stand this feeling of being stuck with no options, no way to change things.
Jesus said, "I came that you might have and enjoy life."
When does that begin?
When Darrell moved in with my cousin Tammy, I visited her house once. She never married, became a nurse and bought her own house. I was really jealous of her house; it was beautiful. I was jealous also because it was spotless--because she had no spouse to louse it up and make it dirty and cluttered.
I wish I could be seventeen again and know what I know now. I'd go to school, get a good paying job and a house with no carpet. I wish people were afraid of me the way they're afraid of Monica on friends. Her house is a land where no one can spill. I wish I had a buddy I could go to Zumba classes with, maybe running in the park. I wish I had a small enconomy sized car that cost only $30 to fill the tank (thanks girl who ran the stop sign & totalled my Mazda--THANKS!!)
I can't go back. I cannot change things. I sometimes feel too stupid (and too broke) to go back to school. The constant clutter and dirtiness drives me crazy. It makes me insane to search for a pair of scissors that should be IN THAT DRAWER!!!!!! I cannot stand this feeling of being stuck with no options, no way to change things.
Jesus said, "I came that you might have and enjoy life."
When does that begin?
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