Down, Down, Down

I was feeling pretty good at work today.  I was pretty crabby but energy wise I was good.  Once I was home for about an hour I just felt like I wanted to sleep.  Nothing sounded better to me.  I tried.  The neighbors dogs were barking, my dogs were barking, the bird was screaming at every car that passed the window.

I got my blood tests results in the mail & opened it right there on the porch.  I'd told the doc I'd been feeling sluggish, very little energy & experiencing some dizziness.  All my results were normal.  My thyroid is normal, I don't have diabetes, etc.

Mom had previously suggested maybe it was the new medications.  I think I was feeling fatigued before all this.  She also suggested it may be due to my extrememley low blood pressure.

Whatever.  I just started to cry.  I figured at least if something was wrong with me, like my thyroid, maybe they could give me a pill to fix it.  And now?

Anytime I had worked up the nerve to create new plan to quit smoking I would excite myself about everything I would do and buy.  I thought I'd finally have the energy to exercise off these stubborn 15 pounds.  I never did.  And the fact is my breathing got worse after I quit.  I suppose that's all as a result of having started in the first place though.  I have no one to blame but myself for all that.

At the last roller derby game, they announced they'd be having tryouts and I kinda thought about it, I really did.  And Shawn pushed me saying I'd be good at it.  But what am I going to do, skate with a half pound electronic cigarette in my hand?  I can hardly put the thing down!  And it might be difficult to chew nicotine gum while wearing a mouth guard. 

So now this stupid thing is keeping me from doing the things I want to do just as cigarettes did.  I know I'm probably repeating myself and doing nothing more than whining which isn't helping at all.  I was almost excited over the thought of quitting while I was at work and now I just feel very down and discouraged.