Black

I thought it might help if I started wrinting.  I don't think so.  I feel trapped.  Stuck.  Unmoving.  Trapped, more than anything.  I cry a lot these days.  Most days.  I spend a lot of time trying not to cry.  Angry because I should be allowed to cry, to release some of this anguish.  I do not think I have ever been as unhappy as I am now.  For months.

I do not know what to do.  I am not where I want to be.  I am not who I want to be.  I sometimes wish I were dead.  I sometimes wish I was someone else in a different time & place. 

I'm tied of living like this.  Living?  This is not living.  This is dying slowly in a hidden manner.  I cannot share it.  I want to be alone.  I want to live my own life, to make my own decisions.  But I am trapped.  Bound.  Shackled forever.  I cannot change any of this.  I am a slave to all fo this.  I need to find a way out but I cannot find the opening.  I don't know where God has gone.  He's on vacation I think, at least from me.  Why do I still ask him for help?  He doesn't seem to hear me, or care or notice m,aybe even.  I am unsuyre.  I can't talk to anyone about this.  If I talk to God about it I may as well talk tot he wall.  I get no answers, no reassurances.  Nothing.

Still trapped.  I hate this, I hate all of this and everything that I ahve to do.  I want to be free.  Why can't i just be free?