Part Two: My Inner Child Says You're A Big Poopie Head

Another excerpt from what I had originally planned to become a book.  Or a really thick pamphlet.

When you consider that I am twenty-seven years old as I begin this, you may say to yourself, “What do you know?  You’re a baby!”  Yeah, well….YOU”RE A BABY!  Nanner-Nanner!  Of course, I might be forty-seven by the time this is completed and then you might be saying, “My, how you’ve grown and….wait, you didn’t mature at all!”  To which I will say, “Maturity is overrated!”  And it is, when you think of it.
  
When we are younger, we laugh out loud, to the point of almost crying when someone embarrasses themselves by letting out one of those squishy farts at an alarming, startling audible level.  Though it seems to lose its laughability as we age.  Why is that?  Booger jokes are no longer funny, they’re just dumb.   A belch that rattles the windows is no longer a situation that causes us to laugh until we pee a little (though it might produce a soft applause, which is a standard response to window-rattling).
  
This is why I have refused to mature.  Yeah, yeah, I go to work and pay the bills.  I run errands and take care of all the necessary stuff that life requires us to in this day and age.  But--and this is a big “but” so get ready--I have refused to grow up.  I am grown up in the sense that I vote, pay endless amounts of money to the government and occasionally get constipated just from stress alone.  The difference between me and most adults is that I find a good, smart booger joke to be completely hilarious.
 
Now, don’t get me wrong.  I do have standards.  I will not laugh at something so juvenile that a five-year-old wouldn’t snicker at.  But yeah, I do like some good toilet humor as long as it’s smart.  I play pranks at work.  I tell stupid jokes.  I like Monty Python.  The odd thing about me though, it’s hard to get me to laugh out loud.  I might think something is funny and not laugh at all.  On the other hand, when one of our dogs farts and the stink is so bad it could be considered a weapon of mass destruction I will laugh until tears are running down my face and I pee just a little as I run with my legs crossed to the bathroom, laughing all the way.  It takes real talent to run with your legs crossed.
 
You just can’t beat a good dog fart.  I don’t know if it’s the food, or the fact that they eat their own doody, but bottle this stuff up and drop it over whatever country we’re invading at the moment and I guarantee victory or your money back.
 
If your reading this and thinking, “Oh my!  How disgusting!”  I would suggest that you take a deep breath before reading the following statement:  It’s going to get much worse.  
 
Disgusting words you may find leaping off the page at any given time, but not necessarily pertaining to any subject:  booger, snot, diarrhea, toe jam, any and all forms of the word poop--including doody, fart, underpants, and any degree of the various disgusting infections that you can hear any patron loudly, yet calmly, discussing over their cell phone while in your local supermarket (I hate those guys, don‘t you?).  If any of these words truly offend you then I would advise that you read no further.  I would also advise that you take yourself down to your local hardware store (also known as “Home Depot”) and purchase yourself a sense of humor, preferably a new model.  Those used models tend to break down very quickly.
 
Why can’t we talk about this?  Why is it embarrassing?  Why do we giggle behind someone’s back instead of laughing with them?  It has long been considered in our American society to be gross by farting in public.  Why?  Who made it a rude gesture?  I get more rude gestures on the interstate than in the local Wal-Mart.  I wish we could trade flipping off motorists for farting.  Now that would be fun. 
 
It’s not like I don’t know that you fart.  Like, you’re the only one in the world that that has never farted (your stomach cramps must be unbearable).  As if I don’t know it was you as you hurry away from the canned goods.  And why should you hurry away?  You should be proud!  That was a masterful feat.  You must have had Mexican food for supper last night.  You should admit to your triumph and expect a soft applause from people like me and accept it graciously.  But don’t get cocky about it. 
  
All I am saying is that we should lighten up as a society.  We’re so tense and I think a lot of that comes from holding it in.  It comes out in other ways such as cutting off each other in the streets, gabbing loudly on our cell phones in public, and screaming at the solicitor who has just called in the middle of dinner.
 
Just let it out.  The whole lot of you.  If we all do it, it won’t be considered gross or rude.  And who knows, we might get a nice little chuckle out of it.
   
    Hey, that was a nice one!  Did you have a burrito for lunch?  I’d be willing to bet that your stress level has already decreased.