Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Ashes

This is a discussion that's been ad many times.  Darrell is very specific about who he wants present at his scattering of ashes.  Only immediate family is intended to be invited.  These are his wishes:  Mom and dad, of course, me & my sister (even though she stole morphine from his for about 3 months), Darrell's two sons (even though the eldest has been acting like a cretin & refuses to see Darrell) and I think his estranged wife, Betty.  That's it.

Our cousin Donna expressed how much she'd like to attend but Mom said, "I have to honor his wishes," and Donna understands.  Mom asked Darrell about other cousins, people who were one close.  He contends that when things were good, meaning when he was healthy & vibrant, some of these people--not all of them--but some had wanted nothing to do with him.  I pointed out to mom that after a certain point, Darrell wanted nothing to with us and she agreed as well as saw the irony written plainly on the wall.  But these are his wishes. 

In hindsight, I'd considered that none of these people wanted much to do with Darrell beofre is because he's always sort of been a bipolar asshole, and well, that I could understand.  Of course people become busy with work & family and et certera so what does it matter if six people or sixty attend the scattering of the ashes?  "I gotta honor his wishes," mom says.

On a lighter note, and I must first explain, you must understand dark humor in order to understand the following.  I've had teeny weeny tastes of what it's like for mom and dad and their day to day lives.  They are miserable.  Some days, many actually, mom wishes she was dead because she cannot stand to live right now.  Darrell is no easy patient.  He's always been a stubborn donkey but the past few weeks it's been multiplied by a thousand.  He's falling asleep with a glass of juice in his hand.  You attempt to take the juice from his hand and he snarls at you.  It's like that every second of every day.  Also, there is juice and broken glass EVERYWHERE.

So one day Dad took Darrell to mark exactly where he wanted to be returned to the earth.  The steroids have made him like a really big, really clumsy 2 year old that you can't tell anything to.  He's paces a lot, and his mind isn't working properly.

The hospice nurse, Kathy said she was a bit suprised Darrell was still with us and said it could be any time now.  I couldn't help but laugh out loud when mom told me this but apparently dad said something along the lines of, "They been saying that for 2 months and the way Darrell was going today it'll be another 2 months!"  I told this to Shawn and was laughing while I told it.

You must understand this is all in good humor.  Of course no one wants him to die, we merely want him to be out of pain, out of confusion.  None of us are faithful enough to expect miracles and when a family is going through this, any bit of humor or cause for laughter is good enough.  Of course Dad meant it in a joking manner & no one judged him for it.  We laughed too.

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