Spending Time

My weight has been fluctuating a few pounds for 2 or 3 weeks, up & down, up & down.  I might lose three pounds in a single day, only to have them creep back up within a couple of days.  I don't know why.  I feel is that my body has it in for me.  On one "up" day I gave it up, fed myself an evil cupcake.  On one "down" day I rewarded myself for losing a couple of pounds.  Yesterday, I ate very healthy & very light, not even making it to 1500 calories.  I slept almost exactly 8 hours.  I ate enough, but I didn't over eat.  I slept deeply without waking up.  Today, I feel like utter crap.  Why do I go through this? 

If I feel like this, I may as well go back to eating pizza and not sleeping.  117 is unacceptable.  I won't accept it.  I keep a written tally of calories and spend them like money.  They're so precious, I have to be careful how I spend them.  Just like money.  Unlike money, I have a whole new paycheck every day.  However, it's certainly easy to squander the check on unhealthy purchases, so to speak.

I recently began reading Portia de Rossi's book.  I felt it would help me with my self image.  Ellen Degeneres suggested it for teenage girls or anyone with self esteem issues.  I'm not sure it's helping me yet.  It may be doing more damage than good because now I am understanding how she can get through the day without eating, what drives her from the inside.

Maybe I just need to get a few more chapters in.  This struggle with food is horrendous.  Every day is a battle.  I had an easier time quitting smoking.  At least I can usually get away from that.  Hamburgers and pizza are forever being blown in my face like some greasy, crunchy, tasty smoke. 

I understand perfectly how Portia got the way she was.  I go through periods where I become literally obsessed with my eyebrows because it's the only thing about my face that I can change.  I always thought Portia was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and most wonder how such a person could think of herself as purely ugly and hate herself so much.  I totally understand.