It Came Up In Me

I listen to a lot of Joyce Meyer, that's no secret to anyone listening in here.  It keeps my mind busy at work and I figure so much positive reinforcement ought to be a good thing.  I tend to feel jealous though, when Meyer talks about hearing from God. 

I don't hear from God.  I'm not super religious, I don't even go to church, I am ashamed to say.  But I talk to God all day.  Not in the traditional sense of getting on my knees.  I haven't gotten on my knees in a very long time.  I talk to God as I insert my contact lenses, as I drive to work, as I load the machines at work, and especially on the interstate.  I say please and thank you about 6,000 per day.  I never hear anything back.

Yesterday, I was listening to Meyer speaking of relationships, about how we go into a relationship saying, "You're supposed to make ME happy," when it should be the other way around.  Shawn & I do not spend a lot of time together & it puts a strain on our realationship, especially when I feel as though all I am doing is doing for him.  So I says to God, "Show me ways I can be more loving toward Shawn."

The ceiling did not open up and light did not shine down upon me.  A booming voice from the heavens did not shake my ear drums.  But I got a small thought in the back of my head.  It wasn't a man's voice, it was my own voice, my own thought.  And it occurred to me that if the Holy Spirit lives in, it could be God speaking to me.  Why not?

I received an answer.  "Forgive him for being absent minded."

And that was it.  There was nothing else; I heard no harps playing or angels singing.  Was this God speaking to me?  Well, I can tell you one thing for sure--it was not a thought I would think up on my own.

Shawn's absent mindedness is a HUGE problem for me.  I can't figure out why some people just leave stuff lying around and not put things in the place where they belong.  I don't understand how someone can be comfortable leaving 47 cans of Pepsi on their nightstand, desk, kitchen counter, and every other place in between.  I could write a book on the subject on how I don't get all this.  It always makes me feel as though he just leaves this stuff for me to do. 

It happens at work too.  People leave trash on the floor, on the break table.  I take it so personally, as though they're simply leaving their trash for me to come along and clean it up.  Why would you do that?  Why would you just leave things for another person to do?!  IT'S INFURIATING!!!!!

"Forgive him for his absent mindedness."

So what did I do?  As soon as I got home, I discovered a fork stuck to the bottom of the sink.  It had coagulated and hardened Hot Pocket remains.  Out loud I said to no one in particular, "Asshole!  There's a bowl of water right there!!"  I unstuck the fork and threw it into the dirty bowl so the fork could soak.

This morning I was complaining to myself in my own mind about how tired I felt all the time.  No matter what I ate, how I slept, how much I rested, how much I moved around, I was (am) tired.  All the time.  At the moment I listening to Meyer talk about how Moses' people wandered around the dessert for 40 years because of their lousy attitude.  That's why God kept them out there, she says, because they were always complaining, always blaming, always wanting to run back to Egypt where they thought things might be easier than out here.  (Did anyone tell them it was because of their attitude, or were they just left clueless about their behavior?)

Then another quiet thought came up in me.  "Maybe you're tired because of your attitude."

It was true.  That morning I had spent a great deal of time being agitated and frustrated with the misdeeds and mistakes of my imperfect coworkers.  I was dealing with their slowness and mistakes, and I was telling everybody about sick & tired of it I was.  Sick and tired.  Yes, exactly.

I have tried & tried & tried to change my attitude.  That's why I listen to so much blooming Joyce Meyer at work.  You say, "Well, that's the problem!  YOU are the one that's trying to do it!"  I have given it to God numerous times, more than I can count and I don't know how else to go about it.  No, I don't read the Bible because it doesn't keep my attention for very long.  I don't understand how reading random scriptures will change my attitude and give me enough energy to get off my lazy behind.

It has occurred to me in the past that I could "study" peace by looking up one scripture on peace each day.  That won't require much energy and perhaps it will manifest some changes in me.  Yes, of course I want to be zapped.  Yes of course I want a drive-through break through.  Who doesn't?