Dog Eat Dog

Everything is shit.  Just when I start thinking, "This has to go right because everything else has gone wrong", something else goes so majorly wrong.  The insurance company screwed me regardless of how many steps I took to protect myself.  That adjuster can choke on her year end bonus.  I don' see how people like that wake up in the morning & feel good about themselves.  I have no car & can't afford a car payment.  I have to go out & just buy whatever we find.

So far, there is nothing out there in good condition for under $8,000.  I took care of my car & I got shit for it.  It was 7 years old and had only 72,000 miles on it.  I'm realizing by yesterday's shopping venture that is not normal for that old of a car.

There are major problems with the PlasmaCAM and I cannot contact tech support because it's freaking Thanksgiving.  I hate computer shit.  By Tuesday night I was broken.  I was hyperventalating, shaking violently, crying uncontrolablly.  After my late night shower, I collapsed on the floor in a naked, wet heap and buried my face in the towel and just bawled.

I haven't wanted a cigarette this bad since I first quit.  Everyone smells like cigarettes.  God, I need a cigarette.  Shawn gets to smoke.  Why can't I smoke?  It's not fair that I can't smoke!!!!!

Today is Thanksgivving and I don't have a car.  The insurance pulled the rental as soon as I picked up the check & signed over the title to my Mazda.  Cute.  Real cute.

If all this shit is to prepare me for something bigger, to make me stronger for something else....God help me when that something else comes along.  It's enough to make you want to take a handful of pills.

Readers, please look straight ahead AT THE FUCKING ROAD when you drive.  And when you are about to run into something PUT ON THE FUCKING BRAKES!!!

I hope someday the insurance adjuster goes through soemthing similare to what I have been going through.  ANd I hope she is forced to bend over and be sodomized financially. 

I feel like Murphy's Law has vomited on both me & Shawn. 

I nearly got hit taking back the rental.  It was, after all, the day before Thanksgiving around 5pm.  Someone was changing lanes and took it for granted that my lane was open but I was in it.  I stomped on the brake, nearly standing up in my seat, pushed my hand on the horn hard enough to draw everyone's attention.  Dear God, just let me get this stupid expensive rental car back to the place without wrecking it.   That's all I need.

I told Patti on Wednesday what had happened in great detail.  She came in for a hug.  "If you hug me, I'm gonna cry," I said.  "That's OK!" she said.  Patti squeezed me hard & I began to sob.  My face was already swollen, puffy, red.  I'd woke up crying and my eyes looked like I'd been in a fight.  Technically, I had.

Lucy is losing weight again.  Zoe thinks we've abandoned her.  I haven't pooped, slept, or eaten much since all this started. 

All I have to say at this point is that this all had better be fucking worth it.

I'm so disgusted and fed up.