In Spite of Everything...

Besides everything going on at home, accompanying the fact that my stomach sometimes knots up as I turn down our street, I have family issues going as well.  I harbor secrets I dare not tell, anger & bitterness I cannot share.  I swell with compassion for several--literally several--of our close family members dying slowly and methodically of cancer. 

And besides all this, I have my job.

I sometimes wonder if I had a penis, if that would make a difference.  After all, it took me six years to make per hour what another had accomplished in only two. 

I learned by accident and confronted with deep resentment.  My boss told me things, lot of things, in an effort to smooth things over.  And that's all it was, just to smooth things over.  I could have argued.  I could have pointed out that I am smarter than this.  I could have asked, "Do you really expect me to buy that?"  I have been around, you know.

Months ago, after a mini break down of sorts, he once asked me, "Would you maybe be happier somewhere else?"

Well......yeah.  Why?  You know of anything?

You know of a job that isn't blistering hot in the summer?  Something that doesn't suck the life out of me just from unbearable heat?  Do you happen to know of an open position that doesn't require me to wear three sweaters in the winter?  Something that doesn't dry out the skin on my hands until it cracks and bleeds?  Do you have in mind something that doesn't have me dealing with human feces?  Or maybe a job where the scent of human urine festering in the warm Texas months is merely an idea?

But of course I never say these things.  I never do. 

I was always taught to take pride in my work, whatever it may be, no matter how much I hated it.  If you didn't take a certain amount of pride in your work, your boss might just go out and find someone who will.  It's hard, though when you feel passed over, another number, an expendable asset.  (It's been pointed out to me than a Mexican could be hired within the hour to replace me)  It's very difficult when you're having fluff being blown right into your face just so someone else can save their own face.  I've strived to save the company money, did the things no one else would do, do the work when people just plain forgot.  And yet, I do not fall into that pool of favorites. 

I throw fits, and there are some others who throw fits.  Some get defended.  I remain as always, one to be reminded, unwarranted, that I have an attitude problem.  If you think constantly reminding me of something that's as plain as the nose on my face is gonna make me change, you've got another thing coming.  Why should we blow off her fit and not mine? 

Apparently, I swim in the wrong pool.
Sometimes it is the phrase, "Well, that person has a lot going on at home." 
Don't we all?

And yet, I am uneducated.  There are few jobs out there.  My boss is fully aware of this, and also completely aware that a well trained monkey could do my job.  Not in so many words, but if you carefully read between the lines you could almost hear him saying, Who are you to question whether I pay you less no matter what you do?  I'll just hire another uneducated cretin like yourself to fill the position if you don't like it.

And so it goes.  I suppose if we were all so blatantly mellow, the world might be a better place with fewer wars. 

Or would it?