steroids

The steroids have completely changed who he is.  Mom had tried to explain this to me but it was difficult to understand until I saw it for myself.  For one thing, he's extremely wirey.  He doesn't hardly sit still and talks non stop.  I mean that literally.  Non stop.  The first chance he got, he shredded my mother to pieces.  He said he wasn't taking care of him, that she lets him be in pain. 

What could I do?  I stared vacantly at the ground and said nothing.  I was afrid if I opened my mouth....I was just afraid of what might come out.  "She's doing the best she can,"I said finnally.  "NO she's not!" he growled.  And of course this turned into the age old argument of whether or not my mom was responsible for my grandmother's brain tumor.  Seriously.  And we'd had this same discussion some ten years ago and I personally beleive he thinks it's her fault that my grandmother suffered for a year before she died.  I was there more than he was so I know first hand this not true.  And for the record, none of it was mom's fault.  I was there while she crushed the pills, tended to meals and bedding and so forth.  She took care of their mother the same she's caring for her brother.

In any case, he rambled on some more about how badly mom is doing and cried and cried.  I didn't really say this to anyone and I have no intentionof typing it all out.  It was mean and hateful.  I know damn well she's told him is he is in pain and whants to take another morphine pill off schedule, go right ahead--you're a grown man and you can do and think for yourself!

"I don't think he even knows what he's saying," Shawn told me.  "But if he's thinking it," I pondered, "if he's been thinking it and it just now happens to spill out of his mouth...."

"He's on such a major cocktail of drugs, it's no wonder he's talking and acting like this!" Shawn reasoned.  "And he's been drinking a little too," I said.  "Oh well!  There you go!"

Darrell is on a pletehra of uppers and downers.  The steroids where prescribed to keep the inflamation down & to help with the pain.  However,t he seroids have always caused him to become a mean, bitter man and when he spends halkf the day yelling at everyone, it causes his head to hurt more--because that's where the cancer is--on his face.  So you tell me what good these steroids are doing!

Two weeks ago, I enjoyed sitting with Darrell.  I enjoyed being in his company, hearing his stoires and jokes.  Yesterday was a complete nightmare and has been so every single day for my poor parents.  He spent half the morning on his cell phone yelling and hollering at people we dared not ask who.  A couple of them we figured out and decided to keep our moths shut.

I didn't say this to Shawn but when mom dragged me off to the store she told she'd had some very real suicidal thoughts.  I told her I knwo that feeling very well.  She knows that; she rode in the ambulence with me when I was 14 or 15 after I'd swallowed a fistful of pills.  I don't think mom would do it but it could be so easily done with all those medications in the house.  God help this poor woman.  She's never told me anything like that before.

I would experience this about once a year, at least, up till a two or three years ago so the feeling is quite fresh.  I told her this and instead of listenening to what I had to say she became defensive.  "YOu had better not EVER do anything like to me!" she exclaimed.  We never really did get to talk about it.  I'm perfectly fine now of course.  There moments when I really hate my life but I'm not gonna off myself over my crappy job. 

One night last week, mom had finally had enough of his mouth.  She told him that he'd really been hurting her feelings.  That started it.  They weren't screaming at each other and neither had said anything so bad that it couldn't be taken back but it still became very ugly.  They seperated and cried and cried & then apologized to each other.  The next day things were back to what had become the new normal.  That's the problem, this new normal. 

I have a lot of respect for my Dad.  I never knew he had so much patience & compassion in him.  I'm not sure how he's doing it.  Although he does have a good escape--he also goes to a job he hates but mom is quite often jealous that he gets he gets to leave. 

Mom will speak to the nurse on Monday about seeing if another type of steroid can be used--maybe something that will mesh better with the other drugs he's on.  I hope so.  God, I hope so.