50/50

So much has happened and yet so much has not yet happened.  Oddly enough, Shawn was approached by a couple of ladies through an aquaintance.  They wanted a partnership to build an electronic cigarette shop.  They know there's decent enough profits there but know little about the product or where to buy it wholsale.  Shawn can supply such information. 

We all had a meeting, my first, everyone else's second.  It seemed so promising until last night.  I took it all to mean that these women would put up about $10,000 or so to cover the first round of merchandise & supplies.  We would supply the juice.  We would run the store, reorder, deal with customersa nd so forth.  Theyw ould not give up their jobs or income.  We would.  And the profits would be split 50/50.  Forever.

A lot of things were said very quickly.  A lot of numbers were thrown about.  For about twenty minuets, Shawn argued with on of the women.  We left last night on good terms.  It was a whirlwind of information so fast I didn't have time time to absorb it all.  When this all began, it seemed like a good idea.  They have money; we do not.  We have knowledge; they do not.  I was wary at first but the more Shawn spoke of these women, the more I fell on board.  Until last night.


The next morning, at work I had time to think.  I wouldn't bust my ass at work for 50% of my paycheck.  We're giving up Shawn's business and my steady, secure paycheck.  They are giving up, what...ten grand?  They keep their jobs so what are they risking exactly?  Their homes are paid for; they're older than we are.  Our house is not paid for, not by far.  We discussed the risks of being taken advantage of.  Would they merely take our wholsale information and run?

It's quite possible.  This is an almost guarenteed money maker.  The only problem is that we don't have the money to get it started.  In a couple of months, we may have enough to half ass it.  Don half assed it and cleared $22,000 in 30 days.

That's another thing that bothers me too.  Normally, I"m not the jealous kind.  I usually feel as long as I have a roof and food, I have nothing to be jealous of.  Normally I am quite content, except maybe when I cannot find the right sort of coupons.  But usally I am mostly content even when we are peniless, which is quite often.  Lately though I'vew feeling a surging rage of jealously.  Don is a half-wit, most how have met him will agree on that.  He's seems to have tripped into this business, didn't know what he was doing--I know this because he would call Shawn, who he just met asking, "What do I do?!!"

And suddenly this man is rich.  I feel like after everything we've done, all the money we've borrowed and spent and the endless, endless hours we've put in...

It should be us.  What an easy, air conditioned way to make tens of thousands in a month.  Yes, I am quite ashamed that I feel this way, deeply ashamed.  I cannot tuck this feeling away and I keep asking, why does everything have to be so damn hard ALL THE TIME?  OK, God, I've experienced struggle.  I've been hungry and cold.  Can you give us a break for once, maybe?  Hmm?  I do not like this side of me.  I hate it.  But I am also tired of my job, I can't do this forever.  I'm tired of the hours spent searching for coupons, eating dinner an hour before bed, and the sleep loss.

Wasn't I meant for something better?  I don't have to be rich, hell I don't want to be rich.  I want things to stop being so fucking hard.  I want us to catch a break!  I want to work in a place where the profits will be mine, not an hourly wage, barely making the bills.  I want heat int he winter, a/c in the summer.  I want to stop sweating and shivering so damn much.  I gotta get away from some of my coworkers!  I swear if I keep my thoughts to myself any longer someone's gonna slapped in the mouth!  OK, that's really just one and I've gotten really good at keeping my shit together.  I'm afraid after another year or two of being hot and cold and dealing with this chick's mouth I;'m just gonna freaking lose it.

Yeah, I guess a lot of this is talk.  I'm just immesley frustrated with everything in general.