I'm throwing a pity party and everyone's invited! (byob--lots of it)

Hope deffered makes the heart sick.
--The Bible

I don't know exactly where in the Bible it says that but just take my word for it; it's in there.  I practically woke up crying this monring and fought tears all day at work.  So much has happened.  So much that was supposed to happen, didn't.  And so I awoke with tears in my eyes.  SOmething was taken from me last night--my last shred of hope.

I'll elaborate.  First of all, I was telling Shawn that because of the rain--lots and lots of rain--Darrell's ashes would not return to the earth.  I explained to him that it probably won't be this weekend ewither.  "Why?" he demanded.
"Because Nikki's sister is coming down," I replied.
"So?" asked Shawn.
I explained that we cannot route this event around the weekends of 30 people but for some reason this side of the family does not apply and that Nikki suggested maybe we should just wait till January, after the holidays.
"WHAT?!" Shawn was furious and then decided to make a joke.  "But we can't do it in January--that's my BIRTHDAY MONTH!!"

So that's that.  Whatever.

About 11 years ago we decided to give eBay a go and I soon developed a stern hatred for the beast.  I've told SHawn over and over how I hate doing it, it's such a hassle and he throws a fit and whines until I give in and simply continue doing it.  We started small and began watching what others were selling.  We would see such people were making a killing on said items.  We'd buy said item ourselves and sell them for peanuts.  No matter what we tried, how many times we tried it or in what ways we tried it, we always made peanuts.  We had fantastic dreams of quitting our jobs over this but it was always quickly squashed.

I used to remember all the different items we'd sold but I've long since forgotten.  The video game thing was the most devasting.  As oon as we got rolling a little bit, Buy.com came into ebay and ruined it for everyone.  We wern't the only ones that got hurt by these mega sellers.

I've hated my job for a long time and I've followed SHawn's coat tails for a long, long time.  Over two years ago, Shawn quit his job to start up his business Hot Torch Designs.  We took out loans, refinanced the house (making the house payment astronomical) and seetled in to bide our time.  Last November he had no jobs at all.  We were ina dire situation for several months.  I even got food stamps for the first time in our lives.  They gave me $72 each month for six months.  Doesn't sound like much, but I made it work to my advantage.

This November he's been offered 3 well paying jobs--all within a week.  I wondered where all this was this time last year when he had little to eat.  We decided to bypass these offers because of one reason:
Shawn had decided to open an electronic cigarette store.

This came to us by pure accident.  Shawn had worked for the same employeer as Victoria.  Victoria is married to Don, who a month ago opend a e-cig shop.  Don came to Shawn to mix the liquids.  He wanted no part of it and the guy he hired to do turned out to be a scame artist.  Over the next couple of weeks, we received rave, rave, rave reviews on the liquids.  Shawn observed how much money Do was making over cheap Chinese made products and decided this would be the best route for us.  Also, Don talks way too much without being asked.  He told SHawn in his first month of business he cleared $22,000 profits. 

That's stupid amounts of money.  Once I heard this, I was on board with SHawn.  I thought of all the things I would not have to do or put up with if I didn't work at the cleaners.  No harmful chemicals (pretty much), climate controlled!  No sweltering summers or freezing winters.  I said once aghain, "I don't know if I can handle another winter here."  I say it every year however this time around we've got TWO exhaust fans in the wall and I'm pretty much the only one standing NOT going through menopause.  I spent most of each winter trying not to cry because I am so miserable and cold and I cannot beleive I ended up in this place.

Anyways, we decied that Don already has a customer base we'd open a store in Harker Heights, small enough to function in but big enough to grab profits and entice the soldiers of Ft. Hood.  Shawn had lined up 2 or 3 jobs that would secure the means for opening the store.  If we made half as much as Don in our first month, we'd be pretty well off.  Really well off.

Last night Don called & explained to SHawn that he had set up SHawn's liquid making talents for a new store opening in Harker Heights.  And that's where it all fell apart.  This guy is a childhood friend of Don's so he's showing the guy the ropes.  I failed to state earlier that Don isn't the sharpest pencil in the box.  In fact, he's kinda dumb about some stuff.  Nicest dude you'll meet, but dumb.  This makes at least 2 store in Heights that we know of.  Killen is taken over and SHawn's doesn't set up here in town becxause of Don's customer bases.  Personally I think he doesn't want to take away from Don and after 11 years of trying to make something work--I hate to say it, I really do--but I'm at the point of saying, Take what you can and fuck the rest. 

We don't know these people super well or are even close with them.  I personally don't think a little competition would hurt anyone but well, this is shawn.  I've gotten harder; he's grown softer.  I hate my fucking job.  I hate the cold, the sweaty stinky heat.  I hate the lack of common sense of my coworkers.  I hate dealing with poop!  I'm sick of touching used tissues in pockets and I'm sick of useless conversations that go no where just because someone feels the need to chat (I swear these people CANNOT read my mood--It's simple.  My mood says this:  GO AWAY!)

I'll never make much more salary than what I've got and we're never going to get anywhere making peanuts.  we've always got debts and huge house payments.  When things start looking ok, one of the dogs had a $400 vet bill or something. 

SO this monring I woke up crying.  I sobbed freely until it was time to drive and then I forced myself to push it down as I always do.  They say stuffing down your feelings causes tumors.  I must be riddled with them but I wasn't any better when I talked about my feelings all the time.  It makes me sick to remember how I used to be and it still makes me sick when others behave that way.  Shut the fuck up, put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!

However, it was difficulkt to simply accept all this as the cold front moved in.  To be rational, Shawn's got Don and two new stores lined up for liquid making.  I suppose we could hit the head shops and tobacco stores with samples....

...and what, become thousandaires?  I guess it's better than nothing but we've been with nothing for a very long time and I'm growing very impatinet.  This morning I cleaned the workplace microwave.  Again.  There was fuzzy mold growing on the base, under the turn plate.  I'm so sick of these filthy fucking people.  I ate my monring oatmeal, trying not to cry.

Sometime in the afternoon, the recesses of my memory spoke to me.  An old Joyce Meyer CD replayed in my head as she reminded me that God may have another plan in the works.  Just because you told God your plans does not mean it's God's plan.  Well, I sure wish he'd give me a little hint or let me in on it just a tiny bit.  I'm so tired of being so frustrated all the time.

Allow me to say right here that Shawn has finally quit smoking and I am thankful for that beyonw what words can describe.  I have also asked God to make my dogs stop peeing on the rug and he hasn't asnwered me.  I suppose it'll be another eight years and perhaps the dogs will go where their supposed to go 100% of the time rather than the current 70%.

Agin, very frustrating and I've about had it.  I feel as though I want to deperastely give up and quit.  I give up several times a year.  I always pick myself back up but I am afraid there may come a time when I cannot pick myself up after another disappointment.  God, is it truly your plan to have us fail at everything all the time?  I'm afarid I'll be at the cleaners for the rest of my life, or at least until they find a spot on my lung. 
I'm so glad I'm me.