Emotional Blockage Part Three

Shawn finally, gratefully hopped into the shower and I settled at the computer to pay some bills that had to be paid, like right now.  Lucy sat in my lap the whole time.

Shawn was also the first to stay with Ma after her heart surgery so he'd learned a little something about how dreadfully cold the hospital can get over night.  Years ago, I learned to take a jacket with me if I had the choice and I have done so each day this week.

After Shawn left, I got myself into the shower.  Lucy came in and hung out on the bath mat until I lost it.  Without the distraction of my family, worry over Ma, bickering, bustling, and waiting, I had suddenly remembered my dog was gone.  I cried and cried and cried.  I talked aloud to God.  I told Him I was sorry I was angry at him for making us do this and I didn't understand why this had to be done this way.  I bawled and cried to God until my skin was wrinkled.

I didn't feel any better afterward.  I got to bed very late because I wanted to make sure Lucy had lap time with me before bed. When it came time for Lucy's late night treat, she spun a perfect circle and openly sneezed on my bare feet.  She's never done that!  As many times as she tried to imitate Prissy's ability to sneeze at will, Lucy could never do it.  I bent down, rubbed her ear and told her, "I needed that."

Shawn had a sleepless night.  Ma got a morphine drip around 10 pm and was doing really well after that.  She'd be in the middle of a sentence, hit the button, and gone!  Shawn said she would often wake up talking, like a Chatty Cathy.  I was glad to hear that.

At 4:25 am my body awoke with a jump, startled from slumber as the high pitched screaming emitted from my clock.  Lucy, much out of her character, clung to me.  Shawn came home at 5 am and told me about his night and hit the bed.  I set the alarm for 11:30 and later called his coworkers to let them know Shawn would be in for half a day.  As for me, I fell asleep the night before pretty quickly, despite having coffee at 7pm.  I may have slept many hours, but I slept hard.

Work was difficult.  It was easier at the hospital.  I felt stronger there.  It does take quite a bit of energy and effort to put up a happy face when you are miserable, but it seemed easier this time at the hospital.  My body was weak and tired.  Caffeine didn't help, it just made my hands shake.  Memories of my dog flooded my mind.

I could not get that image out of my head.  The light had not yet left her eyes and yet her little face was in a cross between relaxed and frozen.  I felt as though my heart was broken.  There was a hole in there, a hole in my very soul.  I remembered a brief conversation with Shawn on Tuesday night.

"What are we gonna do with her bed?" he asked.
"It's gonna stay right there!" I answered.
"Well, it can't stay there forever."
"Well, it can stay there for right now!"  Really?  Are you really asking me about Prissy's bed now?  Like his brothers, I often feel as though Shawn doesn't mean to be an asshole, stuff just comes out of his mouth.  And far as I was concerned, Prissy's bed would sit right where it is for as long as we have Lucy.  They often traded beds and there's no reason to put it away.  Stupid.

I dragged through the day with zero energy.  I sat at the break table and blankly stared at sale papers for Sears and Home Depot.  Jackie came in to fill her cup at the water cooler.  Here, you must understand that Jackie is renowned talker.  She simply must talk all the time.  As she filled her cup, I wallowed in my misery and weakness.  "I'm gonna split my vacation this year," she said.  "I'm gonna take one week in June, one week in August."  I said nothing.

Great.  Fine.  I don't care.  I really didn't.  Forgive me, but I've been in a big bubble of Me for a few days and I really could care less what people are laughing about, bitching about, talking about.  I don't care!  Most have been gracious to distance themselves from me and I walk around with glassy eyes.  Others say the most random blather about things I have no interest for.

Just as I was getting ready to shut down the air compressors, the boiler, Patty told me about the woman with the dog.  We have a laundromat next door and everyone has been telling me about this dog for months.  I knew better, I knew better, I knew better.  But I was afraid I may not get another chance to see this dog.

Liz described as the ugliest dog alive, but cute in its own way.  It was born deformed with teeth pointed in all directions and so long the poor thing can't close his mouth.  His tongue just hangs out and flaps in the wind, his eyes bulge outward.  Liz told me the woman feeds the dog baby food by spoon because he cannot chew due his teeth being so odd.  And she never puts him down, never leaves him at home.

I entered the laundromat and told the woman that everyone is telling me I just had to see her dog.  She smiled proudly and turned so I could get a good look.  He was adorable!  Of course we got to talking.  I told her about our loss.  She offered sympathy.  She told me about her "special needs" dog and I told her about our Lucy.  Lucy is similar in that she's so ugly she's just cute and once you find out she's slightly retarded, you can't help but love her.

I made my grocery trip as quick as I could.  I brought the cooler and stored the ice blocks in the freezer at work so I could hit the hospital without making two trips to Wal-Mart.  I promised Ma I would pick up some magazines.

I found myself on my knees on the floor in front of a section of Thank You cards.  I sat on my legs with my butt rested on my feet and cried silently as I tried to find just the right one.

I found one with a photo of a dog with a stick in his mouth.  It read, "All the kind things you do.....will come right back to you".  Perfect.  I finished my grocery shopping trying really, really hard not to bawl as I did so.  Stifling a good cry hurts so much worse.  If you ask me, I think it's what causes many types of cancers.  It just cannot be good for your insides.

I packed the cold foods into my cooler and headed to the hospital.  Ma looked so much better.  Her face was pink again instead of an ashen gray.  I must have stayed two hours, at least.  All my sadness was forgotten, gone to another place.  I told Ma about how I myself have often been doing twelve things and to have to pause to eat seems like just another chore.  I often slam something down without chewing halfway and it often--for most of us anyway-- gets stuck right here and I rubbed the center of my chest.  I tried to play it off like this was really no big deal and even Kelley admitted to doing the same thing I've done.

On Friday, work was about the same as Thursday.  My body was drained, exhausted and I wish I was anywhere but at work.  The previous night was the first night I could really sleep and I closed my eyes around 9:30.  At exactly 3:17 am the carbon monoxide detector chirped, alerting me that the batteries were low.  I cannot understand why the batteries get low in that thing during the most ungodly of hours--every single time.

I refused to get out of bed and simply allowed myself to wake up every half hour to that high pitched obstruction.  After work, my first stop was to the vet and I had meticulously written the note in the card the night before.  I'd written:
God put us humans in charge of the animals and I’ve been struggling with why we had to decide for ours to live or die.  For me, I could not bear to hear her cry in pain and Shawn described it as choosing between selfishness and guilt.    I know it will take time to heal and in the meantime I can focus on how to prevent back troubles with our other dog, Lucy.  Your personal note meant a lot to us and right now a little encouragement goes a very long way.  We do not have children but we love our pets just the same without going into that area of weirdness  :-D  I want to thank you for making the process as easy and gentle as you could.  I watched Prissy’s face and I know she felt no pain.  Thank you
Unfortunately, Dr. Gage was at the front desk as I walked in.  Just seeing her made my eyes well up and she hugged me, told me she knew it was hard.  I gave a receptionist a tube of the intestinal lubricant, explained that I had only used four doses and I was hoping someone else could use it.  She told me she took it off my account and I'd have a credit of $13.60.  That was really sweet.  I wasn't looking for a refund, I was just to help someone but since the seal is broken, they'll probably use it in the kennels. 

I also found out that Lucy's estimated age is now nine.  That took me by surprise a little, I was hoping she was a little younger.

At the hospital in the early evening, I ate decently for the first time.  Shawn had gotten a pizza at lunchtime and left half of it behind.  I greedily ate three pieces, nicely distraction by the hospital setting and my family members.  I was also praying it wasn't going to mess with my stomach.