This morning was hard. And it's only Tuesday. I practically woke up crying and really lost it when I opened the kitchen door and only Lucy came running out of the living room. In all my misery, I'd forgotten to give her a little treat. I always gave them a little treat because Prissy had been on a medication for her stomach for most of her life.
Shawn broke down again as I was leaving for work. He was holding me, shaking very violently, saying, "I'm so sorry!" repeatedly. I had to talk him down from this, convince him that we did make the right decision, that Prissy was in too much pain to drag it out any further. "You cannot do this, please stop!" I pleaded.
I barely spoke to anyone at work but I could feel people looking at me. It hurts even more when you just want to fall to the floor and bawl but you have to hold it in. I felt like my head was going to explode all over the place. I felt like my guts had been ripped out. Everyone knew I had been crying and I'm assuming everyone knew why.
Early on, before the rest of the crew had clocked in, my boss Allan came up and started. Oh, Allan. He's always talking, talking, talking. Let's talk it out, if you wanna talk, talking talking talking. I did not wish to talk today.
"Hey girl. I just want to--" he started.
"I don't wanna talk about it!"
"I know, I was just going to--"
"I don't!"
"I just wanted to say that I've been there and I understand and I know how hard it is."
I doubt it. There's not another dog alive like mine. I never really had any friends. Prissy would greet me with a wagging tail and exaggerated enthusiasm when I came home. If we left for five minuets, it's like you;d been for weeks. She stayed with me through every illness and every upset. She made me laugh in ways a person could not. She kept me company when I was lonely. She did not judge me, she did not talk about me. She loved me without question. That, that everyone listening, is what unconditional love is.
And unfortunately it forced me to do the hardest thing I've ever done.
The BBQ restaurant across the street was up wind from the store so that meant everything they cooked all day was blowing downwind, right into the huge backdoor. All morning it smelled like lard being poured onto a fire. My stomach was messy, at best. It cramped like severe constipation, rumbled angrily with huger, and churned like a food processor.
For most the day, I was sent running to the bathroom where I would cry uncontrollably for a few minuets. After blowing my nose and splashing water on my face, I was back to work, fighting tears. I felt like I could sleep for two days. My body was weak and all I wanted to do was sit somewhere and just cry. "I want my dog back, I want my dog back! Please, God, give me my dog back!" If anyone had walked by the restroom at that given point in time, I am sure they would have heard me & I did not care.
I went a good solid twenty minuets without a tear. I was taking something out of the small washer when Jackie came up behind me. "Hey, I'm real sorry to hear about your dog," she said gently.
I merely nodded. I could felt my sinuses swelling.
"I know they're you babies. Was this the one you were telling me about before that was so fiesty and would just jump on people?"
I shook my head as my face distorted into a I'm-going-to-lose-it-right-here kind of expression.
"Well, I'm really sorry," Jackie said.
I sauntered over to the dryer with tears streaming down my face and my second stop was of course, the bathroom.
For some parts of the morning, I was just angry. I don't it's fair that we had to do this. I'm saying I went so far as to shaking my fist at God, but I asked many times, "Where are You?! Why did you force us to do this? How could make someone do this?!!!!"
I did everything right. I fed her the best food; I'd even done quite a bit of research on it. That little dog had never tasted chocolate, garlic, or a grape. The only plants I bought were only after checking online that they were nontoxic to dogs. We chased each other around the house for exercise. I did everything right! And it didn't even matter! THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!
For most of the day, I'd gone back and forth between being angry, severely depressed, and abandoned. I was so tired of crying. I just wanted to fast forward through all of this. How can anyone be asked to do something so hard?
I had to stop and get a few groceries. The produce section was past the meat section and when the smell of raw seafood hit me, I thought I was going to throw up all over that store. I had to mosey through the bakery and it hit me all over again. I grabbed a head of lettuce and the heck out of the there.
I cried nearly the whole way home and dried it up on the curb. Ok. I was fine. Until I opened the front door. Lucy was there, of course, just as eager as ever to see me. I went straight to the back door to let her out and Lucy flew through the kitchen. I opened the kitchen door for......
No. Not today. I slid to the floor and sobbed. My body shook and strange noises came from my lungs and breath. Forget the milk; I don't even care about the milk! I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this! God, I cannot do this anymore! I just want the pain to go away! Take it away!!
After several minuets, I knew I didn't have a choice. I had to do this. I collected myself as best as I could and retrieved the groceries from the hot car.
For most of the afternoon, Lucy has not left my side. For the last month, ever since Prissy was first in pain, she would not let me out of her site. It was sweet, but slightly annoying when I was cooking. She stuck to me like glue. Lucy has been doing that today and she's kind of a loner who chooses when she wants to be loved. Kind of like a cat, but less involved. Don't misunderstand, Lucy loves to be loved. She just won't usually follow me around from room to room.
If I had known this was going to be our last month with Prissy, I would have given her all her favorite treats. I would have given her an entire slice of pizza! I would have played with her more, sat with her more and loved her more. I didn't want it to be like this.
Anyway, Shawn called and I asked him if he'd given Lucy a morning treat and the answer was, "Yes, of course!" She had barfed it up. It's not really uncommon for Lucy to barf a little now & then, but I checked the food bowl and it had not been touched. I knew now there was nothing in her little tummy. I told Shawn Lucy was acting like a little clown and that helped a lot. She was just acting silly. Of course this lead to tears and more crying from me and I didn't want to get him started.
Mom called and I cried quite a bit. She'd been through this twice with two dogs she loved very much. She really wanted to meet me on Thursday. "Maybe we can go to Starbucks and get your thingie!" She means a frappucino. I told her I'd think about it, but we could probably do that.
Shawn spent every morning with Prissy. They'd watch Fox News together. Lucy has a habit of chewing her nail and occasionally bites into flesh which causes a little yelp. Prissy would always get up and run right over and check on Lucy. Prissy would turn in circle and sneeze when the good treats came out. After many years, Lucy began to attempt to copy this by slowly walking in a full circle and blowing a little puff of air out her nose.
If I were laying down, Prissy had to be against my body. If I moved, she moved. Prissy had itchy eyes, always worse in the spring and she'd crawl into Shawn's chest and rub her face in his beard. She really enjoyed that and it always made us laugh. Alternatively, Prissy would lay her chest on mine and collapse her upper body against me. This became known as "Puppy Hugs" and she would do it on command.
I want my dog back.
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