I'm Too Exhausted to Title This

Today was an interesting day.  Mom's birthday is Monday.  I have no slacks that fit in case of a sudden funeral.  I am down to three pair of jeans, all of which have holes or patches covering holes.  So I asked Mom if she'd like to go shopping with me & I would take her to lunch for her birthday (since I didn't buy a gift). 

Right off the bat, Shawn had issues again at the shop so I attempted to install the old software to see if that might work better.  It didn't.  Mom & I left Shawn in a state of despair.  I myself was in a state of despair.  Mom was also in a state of despair due to everyone in the family having cancer.

Shawn told me to go "have fun and enjoy the day".  Yuck.  I hate shopping and I didn't want to do it.  In the first store fatigue/caffeine crash hit me pretty hard, followed by the frustration of finding pants of any given variety made for someone who is five feet tall (they don't exist).  Finally, after many, many stores I found two pair of jeans that I wasn't in love with but could maybe develop a friendly relationship with.

I found a pair of slacks that fit but were about 8 inches too long.  Good thing I'm in good with a professional seamstress.  It's good to know people.  I spent the $100 that I took out of savings.  I figured it was my car that was wrecked and "sold" to the insurance people.  I figured I deserved to spend that money even though I detest clothing shopping and abhor spending money.  Yeah me.

Once home, more issues.  I apologized to Mom profusely for how the day went.  We were inteding to see my uncle who just had a second round of chemo yesterday.  Mom said he really likes me.  "Really?!" I said.  I'm not a real likable person, you see.  The personality of my uncle closely resembles my own.  Me thinks we are a bit cynical about life in general. 

I spent four more hours at the shop with Shawn and spent most of the time trying not cry.  I read an email previously that announced to my fragile heart that yet another family member had been diagnosed with lung cancer.  I bawled immediately and tried to hold it together while I lent Shawn a hand and tried to remain in a standing position while chugging back diet sodas.

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, that stupid machine cut something!  I could not be inside for the smoke.  I left coughing, hacking, gripping my inhaler and sat on the sidewalk in the dark and the rain and just bawled.  It was mixed.  I might say I was crying out of pure happiness but I was so exhausted it was a mixed emotion.

Once home, I got the full scoop on the lung cancer and it turns out that it's teeny tiny spot, very treatable.  It put my mind at ease a little but of course never 100%

With our family history I am nearly destined to get either cancer or a heart attack.  Thank the Lord I quit smoking and (almost) red meat.  I gotta take better care of myself.  Shawn wants me to see if there's some kind of cancer gene test.  So what if there is?  Either they tell me I'll get it or not.  They can't prevent it.  Either I get it or I don't.  And if I worry about I'll make myself sick just from worrying about it.  So I don't.

Christmas is in three weeks and even though I've already decided that everyone is getting a gift card (the gift that says, "Here!  You do it!") I feel like I don't have an ounce of energy to spare for this event.  And still, I fantasize about spending three days baking cookies and making treats for everyone I know.

Maybe next year....