A Sea of Me

Darrell stopped his treatments.  He went to Wimberly to be with his boys and their families.  It's a three hour drive.  Mom's a mess.  I called her last night and she cried over the phone for forty minuets.  It's strange how he entered our lives again and will probably be taken away just as quickly.  Stage four is bad news for a cancer patient not wanting to continue treatment.

"Little kids do this!" Mom lamented.  It's hard to understand unless you've been through it I suppose. 

Nonetheless, I've been wrapped up in a big negative sea of me lately, despite my outward appearance.  Maybe it's lack of sunshine or heat.  Maybe all this stuff is just getting to me...  Because someone was too busy to actually drive and only drive, my car was smashed up & I was forced to get this Jeep Grand Cherokee because it was well, available and cheap.  Lucky me, I get to get used to driving this Mega Beast during the height of the Christmas shopping season.

People find out it has leather seats and go, "Ooooooooo!"  Let me tell you, those suckers are COLD in the morning.  And my laundry and groceries slide around with each turn and lane change. 

There's things I want, tangible and intangible.  I don't know how to get them.  I'm cold and I hate my frickin' job.  I wish I had more time to drive to and fro and spend that time with loved ones that are dying, either from old age or sickness.

I wish we had a gigantic shed in which for Shawn to put his business, a new house with warm rooms and carpets that weren't soaked in dog urine.  I wish Shawn would quit smoking.  I wish he could quit his job and do the business full time, bring me along so I could quit my stupid, cold, dirty job.

I wish everyone in my family didn't have cancer.

Three cousins:  Stomach, bone, and testicular cancer, respectively.
Both grandmothers: Brain and breast cancer, respectively
Great Aunt:  Skin cancer multiple times (no matter how she protected herself) and now lung cancer
Uncle:  Skin cancer

I know I'm forgetting someone or a couple of someones.  It's getting difficult to keep up and remember.

My Aunt Louise is sitting in a nursing home just waiting to die.  I don't have enough hours in the week to make the long drive to see her.  When I do get a free afternoon, I'm so exhausted I don't want to do anything but the bare minimum.  I'm so tired of being tired all the time.

I bought a lottery ticket for tonight.  I rarely buy lottery tickets.  I don't need $20 million....  Just enough to put us in house in the country so Shawn can move all his equipment there and work from the backyard.  Just enough so he can quit his job and focus on this business.

.....and maybe a little left over so I can trade the Mega Beast for a nice used sedan.