Pushing On.....

I missed Jimmy's funeral all because I didn't have a car.  I might have caught a ride with my uncle for the forty minuet drive but he got sick.  And I didn't have anything appropriate to wear anyways so I never called him.

Jimmy had been in hospice for the last two months.  The cancer had spread to his bones and his liver was failing near the end.  For several weeks he would wake up and think he was back in Vietnam.  His wife, Judy practically lived at the VA for the last 2 months.  I felt so awful for missing the funeral....

I picked up the Jeep from our mechanic.  I must be a heretic because everyone loves it but me.  It drives like a semi truck.  I've never driven anything but little bubble cars.  My short, squatty legs aren't built for anything else.  At red lights, I'm so petrified that my foot will slip off the brake pedal.  It'll start to cramp up and the muscle in my leg gets tight.  It takes longer to slow down, to stop and I don't know where the rear end in that thing is when I make lane changes (a red Nissan honked and told me so!).

Shawn asked me, "Do you really not like it or are you just not used to it?"  Does it really matter?  I'm kinda stuck here.  "It runs," I told him.  '"It get me from here to there."

Shawn & I have been at odds.  His temper is outta control and he's taking it out on me a lot.  Things have been going wrong and there have been so many disasters.  He told me he was stressed out.  I told him I was just as stressed out only I had someone screaming at me & blaming things on me that weren't my fault added to the mix. 

I lost three pounds in just in a few days.  (usually that would take a month so I know it's due to stress and not eating properly)  I'm guzzling coffee just to keep going for a few more hours.  Time is a precious thing these days and it seems everyone I bump into is doing everything they can to spend it for me.  If only I had an extra two hours per day, along with two more hours of viable energy to go with it....

Going into to all this....If I had an inkling of how stressful all this would be, I probably would not have done it.  I say that but I suppose I don't really mean it.  This is Shawn's dream; not mine.  It's easy for me to say things like that.  I am emotionally and physically drained.  Spent. 

I'm so tired.  I tired of being angry.  I'm tired of crying because something isn't going right or because someone screamed at me out of a personal frustration.  My body hurts.  I'm just so tired....

I wish people would stop telling me that it'll get better, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  They tell me God only gives you what you can handle.  If that's true, why does anyone commit suicide?  For once, just once, I wish someone would say, "You're right.  Everything is shit right now."  Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel....at the end a long, liquor-induced nap.

Boy, I could really go for a nap.