The Roller Coaster is On The Way Up Again

Felt as though I had an obligation to my (HA!) four followers.  Oh well, gotta start somewhere, right?  Next, I'll begin posting that 23 pages of good stuff--all worth a read and most of it is very funny.  My cousin said so.

Haven't had time to write much.  Shawn started his new job on Monday.  We were fighting for a solid week up till Sunday night.  His fault, he said so.  It's one of those recurring fights where nothing actually gets solved, it just keeps repeating itself.  I love him dearly, I just hate it when he makes me hurt emotionally and cry.

Been busy trying to get stuff Shawn needs for new job, keeping up with errands, work, extra errands, cook Shawn some dinner, send him to night school, do more chores....all of this has kept me very busy.  I only got my post-fight appetite back somewhat last night.  I ate 156 calories worth of popcorn.  It's a start anyway.  Say what you will about depression, but it works wonders on a waistline.  Joke in poor taste, I know.

Been OK this week for being so busy.  Next week will be equally busy.  Mom is giving me some money for my birthday and I desperately need sneakers.  On my feet all day & there's not much left to my current sneakers.  I'd also like to get this hack-job of a haircut I gave myself fixed.  I was sick of going to bed with wet hair so in February, I just began cutting.  It's really uneven because I didn't take my time at all.  I found a lady accross town who cut my hair once & I loved it; I'll go to her.  Also gonna get my teeth cleaned.  I quit smoking nearly 2 months ago--still haven't had that done.

While Shawn & I were fighting, I thought about smoking for 3 straight days.  On Sunday, I tried it.  It burned the back of my throat.  Felt like my thraot was on fire and tasted like I had licked one of those ashtrays that sit outside of 7-11.  It was Monday before the taste went away.  That's a good thing though.  It means I'm done for good.

Shawn is now smoking full time again.  I spent 3 hours scrubbing down the bathroom--he's smoking in there in the mornings.  Oh well.  At least I didn't paint yet.

There have been little things going wrong, things that would normally cause me to freak out but I've done OK.  Searcging for the correct respirator for Shawn (because he's welding galvanized steel--go do an internent search on zinc oxide) has been a night mare.  The lawn mower started, died, started again, died.  Then it rained.  If you look at the front lawn it appears that no one lives here.  There's more.  Usually when lots of little things pile up on is when I start to freak out but past couple days I've been dealing like a "normal" person would and not going into panic attacks or crying because one. more. thing. went. wrong.

Get it?
Asking for advice on meds, I posted to a depression forum, hoping to save some hassle in the future because the roller coaster will surely come back down ina few days.  For some insight, here are my replies in that thread:

My insurance doesn't cover psychiatry, therapy or anything like that. I have been to regular doctors for medication but it's always let's try this one, now let's try that one, over & over. They just pick one off the list and co-pay me to death

My moods are sporadic, the slightest thing can set me off into a rage, put me into a deep depression, etc. And my emotions are to the extreme. When I'm happy, nothing can go wrong. When I am sad, I wish I was dead. When I'm angry, I wish someone else was dead.

When I get down, it's hard to come back up. I'm very insecure and I have suffered with depression since I was a child. (my parents put me in therapy when I was 14, Lithium and it didn't help)

I need something that's available in a generic, won't cause weight gain, and doesn't have seriously scary side effects--the last pill a doctor gave me caused most reviewers to gain 10 pounds each month and as former big girl--i just won't do it. It also caused blood sugar to rise & fall dramatically. I don't want diabetes!

I have ZERO sex drive and Wellbutrin sounded promising but I was very allgeric to it.

At the end of my rope here. Husband doesn't understand why I go through this & I have no friends, no one to talk to about it all.

Does anyone have a recommendation for medication that I can take to my doctor and say I'd like to try this one?

I'm 29 yr old female, married, no kids

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I have considered bipolar yes. The last doctor I saw said what i described sounded boarderline bipolar. She gave me something that had something for a mood disorder and an anti-depressant in it.

I don't spend much money on this stuff. I had given up on it a while ago because I couldn't afford it. Usually now, it's just co-pay and the doctor will give me samples or I'll pay $15 for a generic presciption.

This feels so hopeless & i have no one to talk to.

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Thanks for the advice. When things are like a roller coaster, it will take very little put me into angry/depression mode and then I stay there. The next day I may wake up fine or I may wake up angry/wishing i were dead.

This can last a couple days to a couple weeks. Same as the highs. I can be up for a couple weeks, a couple months even (rarely) but i often feel as though i cannot deal with things at times.

For example, my husband & i were fighting for a solid week. I barely ate and I took benadryl to make me fall asleep (only 1 or 2--i do not go over board) and i do this to "get away" from the problem. I resorted to causing bruises on myself where it could easily be hidden because I couldn't do anything with the pain i felt.

in hindsight, I did this about a month ago. I spent 2 straight days in bed over the weekend, not eating and keeping myself drugged slightly. I again bruised myself as a way to make the emotional pain into something I could understand. There was nothing to upset me; it just came on that friday at work--feeling worthless, not useful to anyone or anything, literally wishing i were dead. Nothing "happened" at work. Things slowed down & I became bored.

Past three days, better. Husband & I made up 3 days ago, getting appetite back but still only taking in about 700 calories per day--better than nothing. Sleeping solid at night with no drugs. This may last a week or two.

I do find when I am extremely busy between work, home, and other stuff I am more content because I do not have time to dwell on things.


Not sure if the bupropion I was given last year was SR or what--when I can get to the doctor, I may bring these up to her. Therapy is really not an option right now, money is a little tight but I can do another $35 co-pay in a couple weeks so I will mention these things.


for the record, since we've stopped fighting, my sex drive is off the charts.  This is new to me.  Between that and maturely dealing with broken things, I feel like a whole new person.  Not sure how long this will last.  Wish I could be like this all the time and become a functional & productive member of society.