Screaming

What I write yesterday was ironic.  Apparently early Friday morning around 6:30 am, Betty called & told Mom she'd tried to come over some time.  Mom didn't really see the point since Betty had Darrell's card & when she does visit, she spend 90% of her time outside smoking crack.  This is true.  We drove up once and actually saw her doing so and smelled it from the drive way.

Mom told Betty that if she was willing to stay with Darrell and not be outside partying, she was more than welcome to come over, otherwise, not.  This started a whole thing.  Betty claimed the opposite; Mom stated that Betty hadn't done a single thing for Darrell since he'd gotten sick; Betty said she had done plenty (though she cited no examples) and in the end Mom said to her "Fuck you, bitch!" and hung up the phone.

Mom quoted this to me over the phone.  I replied first with, "Whooooooooa." then I followed up with, "I'm so proud of you!"  Dad and Shawn said the same to her while our good friend, Crawford (we named him that because his first name is Daryl and it minimizes the confusion) clapped for MOm over the phone.  "You're a better person than I am because I would've done it a looooong time ago!" Shawn said.

Mom is concerned about retaliation.  Betty called early this morning a little before 6 am demanding to speak with Darrell.  Mom tried to explain that he cannot speak.  SHe would hold the phone up for Darrell is Betty wanted to tell hims he loved him, Mom explained and Betty promptly hung up the phone.  Mom is really, really paranoid of retribution and I reminded her that Betty has no car, lives 40 miles away and very few friends.  However, Mom pointed out that Betty knows how much Mom cares for her animals and is still afraid she will retaliate.  She looked toward her horse and donkey and said if one of them died and it wasn't because of collic, she'd drive to Belton and beat the shit outta that bitch.  Her words, not mine.

I stated to Shawn I'd do the same.  "Calm down," he said.  "If anything happens, we'll all take this down to the cotten gin and settle it redneck style!"  That made mom laugh.

When we first arrived this morning, Mom was already in tears.  She quickly went outide and I followed.  "Do you just want to be alone?" I asked.  "NO!" she sobbed.  We sat on the front steps and I put my arm around her as she sobbed and sobbed and cried and cried.  She said she couldn't breathe inside.  She'd been having asthma attacks and couldn't calm down.  The only thing that broke it was when Molly, who'd previously decided to take a swim in the horse's water troff, decided to roll around in the dirt and decided that she wanted a hug from me.  This made Mom laugh.  That goofy dog finally got her to calm down.

"I don't know what I do without you, baby!" Mom said.  "You just don't know what y'all coming over does for me!"  She gripped me and cried some more.  I reminded her to calm down so she could breathe properly.  "I hope y'all are so blessed!  I pray every day for you to be blessed!"  It made me feel deeply ashamed for my anger towards God. 

We hung out for a while.  It was hard to look at Darrell.  I hadn't seen him without a shirt on since he was a little fat.  After the bathroom incident, Kathy fitted him with an adult diaper and showed Mom and Dad how to do it.  After all the falls from him trying to escape in his confusion, Dad placed a matress on the living room floor.  He can't roll of it and fall, he can't swing his legs from it and attempt to stand (and fall) and he can't get hurt.  But this morning, it didn't really didn't look like Darrell would be going anyway, even onto his side.

His breast plate protruded from both ends and each rib could be counted.  His arms were as thin as mine, the skin was thin and dry.  Kathy left medication to help with the twitching and jerkiness; that seems to have calmed down since Wednesday and he was no longer talking gibberish in his sleep.  His breath was labored.  His right eye--the good one--remained closed, while the left, foggy eye remained open and confused looking.

Everything in my body screamed at me to get out of there.  In all honesty, I wanted nothing to do with any of this.  From the moment I arrived I wanted to leave.  I wish this wasn't happening.  I wish my mom wasn't crying like this, panicking for air.  I wish my uncle, once so great and tall and with a fat belly wasn't lying on the floor struggling to breathe.  My body screamed at me to run and never look back.

But I stayed.  I held my mom.  I cried.  I held Darrell's hand.  I didn't think he knew I was there.  That's OK.  I secretly resented him for giving Betty all his money.  I watched his chest slowly rise and slowly fall.  I cried some more. 

I told Mom I'd get some security cameras and make some signs in case Betty decided to retaliate.  It might change her mind.  I'll be back in the morning, I said.  Even without the reason for dropping off some stuff, I thought it might be a good idea if I made the drive once more on Sunday.