D on the Report Card Pt 2

Mom knew about my appointment and left a message on my answering machine.  I collected myself and called her.  I was absoltuely calm and cool about it all.  I never used the scary term "lung disease".  I told her everything my doctor told me and that it was still up in the air till my next round of tests.

I was exactly the same way with Shawn.  He came in from work, I shoved a plate of food under his head as I talked.  For the first time since we moved in, he went to the garage to smoke.  He said very little.  He hugged me good-bye before he left for his night school.  As he pulled away, I saw that his eyes were very glassy. 

"Shawn, everything's going to be alright!  This is not something to get upset about, really," I explained.  He nodded and said, "Love you."  I've known him for almost 16 years.  These actions tell me that yeah, he's pretty freaked about it.  You know how guys are.

Apparently, Shawn got about 5 miles from the house before he turned around.  I asked him if he were OK and if he'd like to talk about it.  Again, he said little.  "Oh!  Don't guy-out on me!" I laughed.  I assured him that I really just did not need to be around smoke, I especially did not need to be smoking, and the hardest part would be quitting the e-cig without going back to cigarettes.

Now here's something really sweet.  I explained that I didn't have time to run by Wal-Mart & I forgot why it so important that I did that until I got home & discovered I only had 5 tampons!  "Do you need me to run to the store?  What do you need?  I'll go  to the store!" is what came out of Shawn's mouth.

For you to understand the significance of this offer you must first know that I have NEVER asked him to go buy me tampons.  I wouldn't do that to him!  It was only a year ago that he walked into Victoria's Secret with me.  Any other time, he'd shoot off to another store or hang outside the window like a freaky stalker.  And the ONLY reason he came in with me was because he saw a couple other guys with their gals and I had previously stated that I know exactly what I need, I only need to grab the right size. 

So you see, for Shawn to offer to buy me tampons, you'd think I had just told him I had cancer.  Of course, I didn't accept his offer.  Five were enough to get me until I went to work the next morning where I had half a box stashed away.  I feel I should mention that Shawn seemed to hold me & hug me all night, up till I left for work!

This morning, I explained everything to my boss briefly.  He said to just let him know when I'd be "bitch on wheels" so he'd know to expect it and blow it off.  I also told him I was toying with the idea of just staying in bed for a weekend to detox but if that didn't work, I'd like to take a week's vacation in the spring when it's not cold, not hot, to just be at home de-stress, relax, and ween myself.  He said that'd be fine.

Today was a little different than yesterday.  I keep nicotine gum on me at all times in case of a device break down, a mental break down while shopping in Wal-Mart, you know, all kinds of reasons.  It helps when I'm pressing and can't keep one hand on my e-cig. 

I chewed the gum ALL day to keep from using my e-cig so much.  I staved off quite a bit but my jaw was so sore I thought it might fall off!  Oh, and I was pretty cranky all freakin' day.  The little annoyances that co-workers do/cause/leave for me to do that usually are not a big deal made me wanna knock their heads off their shoulders.  I just about had an embolsm at the Wal-Mart self-checkout.  Once home, I was OK again.  I sent an email to everyone I know that prays and asked for their prayers.

I can't do this alone.  On my drive home yesterday I cried simply, "I cannot do this!"  It's terrifying, really.  I do not want to risk smoking again.  I don't know how to live without this habit.  Why does God instantly deliver some, but not others?  Why can't I just wake up and never want it again?

I'm worried of the cost of nicotine gum.  I only spend about $30 a month on my e-cig.  Then I think about Fiesta Texas.  That water park....wouldn't it be nice to run around that park not worrying about an electronic device?  Having the ability to breathe so I can lose the weight so I can wear a bathing suit! 

But it's going to be so hard and I know it.  I quit smoking for 12 hours so many times.  So many times I didn't even last a full day.  And the fear of gaining weight is a real issue for me.  More than most smokers, I'd bet.  When I was shopping for anti-depressants, I'd refuse to take something if the threat of gaining was even a tiny side effect.  The withdrawel, what goes on in your mind, over and over and over....

That's the hardest part.  I want it, I need it, I'm gonna have it, I NEED it and you feel like you're going to cave in on yourself if you don't allow yourself that smooth delicious feeling.  If God does not deliver from this, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it.