Monday, January 31, 2011

God is working!

My latest post on ECF:

Here's something really interesting.  When I was trying to quit smoking I was smoking those little cigars, you kow the cigar rolled up like a cig, to save money.  Those things burned my throat so bad that I was enjoyable going to the e-cig.  The transition was actually easy.

Now, the past 2 or 3 days, when I hit my e-cig, it burns my throat a bit, like inhaling on a very dry atomizer.  But no, I know for a fact I just put 2 drops straight to the atty!  But it's like this almost every time.  So I put it down and reach for 2 pieces (yes two) of nicotine gum and I'm quite fine.  An hour goes by and I didn't want my e-cig.

Here's the thing....my e-cig is ALWAYS in my hand.  Batteries that last me an average of three hours lasted my 9.5 hours today!  That's how much I cut back today!  Can you beleive it?  And I was not even trying.  Most times I did not even crave the thing!  My jaw is sore as heck from chewing gum, but I really do believe God is working me.  And all the prayer out there has reached the Heavens and is coming back down to me!

This whole process is reminding me of when I was last quitting smoking.  It's so similar.  The e-cig was meant as a stepping stone.  I got so comfortable with it I didn't have any desire to quit.  God has used my breathing problems to get me to quit, to move my husband into the other end of the house when he smokes. 

Listen, when it's difficult to inhale, it may just be God allowing that to happen so I'll get off this awful drug once & for all.

I want to thank everyone for your continued prayer.  I KNOW it is working.  God is so good & I know He'll see me through this.  I know He'll strengthen me in 2 weeks when I quit this drug for good.  Or maybe, just maybe, He'll deliver me before then!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Building Strength

This is a post I left on a the Christian Vapers Forum at ECF  
http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/christian-vapers/156414-prayer-request-quitting-nicotine.html#post2558896
I really feel like this is the best time for me to quit.  I know God has been changing me.  I know this because right around Christmas we received a hospital bill for my husband (after the insurance was done!) for $1000.  Now, normally I would sit and bawl over it for 2 days.

This time I just simply said, "Enh," and called finacial services, told them I could pay $50 a month & they set it up for me.  I nonchalantly called my husband at work and told him it was no big deal and he was also calm about it.  That really was a breakthrough for me.

Even as far away as I sometimes feel from God, this really is the closest I have felt.  I haven't had a deep depression in a while, the husband & I have never gotten along better or been more in love.  I can honestly say that while I am scared, I do feel my strength building as each day goes on.  I hope & pray I can be a living testimony to others.

I have some 11mg caramel flavor that a buddy who owns a store had sent me long ago.  It was thanks for posting raving reviews of his liquids on every forum I could find.  Seriously, this is the BEST caramel I've tasted.  Anywho, I'd been saving it because I'd gotten down to the last 2 bottles.  I cut it in half with some PG and gylcerin and the flavor is STILL amazing!  Hats off again to Donley and Carol at Want2Vape. 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Down, Down, Down

I was feeling pretty good at work today.  I was pretty crabby but energy wise I was good.  Once I was home for about an hour I just felt like I wanted to sleep.  Nothing sounded better to me.  I tried.  The neighbors dogs were barking, my dogs were barking, the bird was screaming at every car that passed the window.

I got my blood tests results in the mail & opened it right there on the porch.  I'd told the doc I'd been feeling sluggish, very little energy & experiencing some dizziness.  All my results were normal.  My thyroid is normal, I don't have diabetes, etc.

Mom had previously suggested maybe it was the new medications.  I think I was feeling fatigued before all this.  She also suggested it may be due to my extrememley low blood pressure.

Whatever.  I just started to cry.  I figured at least if something was wrong with me, like my thyroid, maybe they could give me a pill to fix it.  And now?

Anytime I had worked up the nerve to create new plan to quit smoking I would excite myself about everything I would do and buy.  I thought I'd finally have the energy to exercise off these stubborn 15 pounds.  I never did.  And the fact is my breathing got worse after I quit.  I suppose that's all as a result of having started in the first place though.  I have no one to blame but myself for all that.

At the last roller derby game, they announced they'd be having tryouts and I kinda thought about it, I really did.  And Shawn pushed me saying I'd be good at it.  But what am I going to do, skate with a half pound electronic cigarette in my hand?  I can hardly put the thing down!  And it might be difficult to chew nicotine gum while wearing a mouth guard. 

So now this stupid thing is keeping me from doing the things I want to do just as cigarettes did.  I know I'm probably repeating myself and doing nothing more than whining which isn't helping at all.  I was almost excited over the thought of quitting while I was at work and now I just feel very down and discouraged.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

D on the Report Card Pt 2

Mom knew about my appointment and left a message on my answering machine.  I collected myself and called her.  I was absoltuely calm and cool about it all.  I never used the scary term "lung disease".  I told her everything my doctor told me and that it was still up in the air till my next round of tests.

I was exactly the same way with Shawn.  He came in from work, I shoved a plate of food under his head as I talked.  For the first time since we moved in, he went to the garage to smoke.  He said very little.  He hugged me good-bye before he left for his night school.  As he pulled away, I saw that his eyes were very glassy. 

"Shawn, everything's going to be alright!  This is not something to get upset about, really," I explained.  He nodded and said, "Love you."  I've known him for almost 16 years.  These actions tell me that yeah, he's pretty freaked about it.  You know how guys are.

Apparently, Shawn got about 5 miles from the house before he turned around.  I asked him if he were OK and if he'd like to talk about it.  Again, he said little.  "Oh!  Don't guy-out on me!" I laughed.  I assured him that I really just did not need to be around smoke, I especially did not need to be smoking, and the hardest part would be quitting the e-cig without going back to cigarettes.

Now here's something really sweet.  I explained that I didn't have time to run by Wal-Mart & I forgot why it so important that I did that until I got home & discovered I only had 5 tampons!  "Do you need me to run to the store?  What do you need?  I'll go  to the store!" is what came out of Shawn's mouth.

For you to understand the significance of this offer you must first know that I have NEVER asked him to go buy me tampons.  I wouldn't do that to him!  It was only a year ago that he walked into Victoria's Secret with me.  Any other time, he'd shoot off to another store or hang outside the window like a freaky stalker.  And the ONLY reason he came in with me was because he saw a couple other guys with their gals and I had previously stated that I know exactly what I need, I only need to grab the right size. 

So you see, for Shawn to offer to buy me tampons, you'd think I had just told him I had cancer.  Of course, I didn't accept his offer.  Five were enough to get me until I went to work the next morning where I had half a box stashed away.  I feel I should mention that Shawn seemed to hold me & hug me all night, up till I left for work!

This morning, I explained everything to my boss briefly.  He said to just let him know when I'd be "bitch on wheels" so he'd know to expect it and blow it off.  I also told him I was toying with the idea of just staying in bed for a weekend to detox but if that didn't work, I'd like to take a week's vacation in the spring when it's not cold, not hot, to just be at home de-stress, relax, and ween myself.  He said that'd be fine.

Today was a little different than yesterday.  I keep nicotine gum on me at all times in case of a device break down, a mental break down while shopping in Wal-Mart, you know, all kinds of reasons.  It helps when I'm pressing and can't keep one hand on my e-cig. 

I chewed the gum ALL day to keep from using my e-cig so much.  I staved off quite a bit but my jaw was so sore I thought it might fall off!  Oh, and I was pretty cranky all freakin' day.  The little annoyances that co-workers do/cause/leave for me to do that usually are not a big deal made me wanna knock their heads off their shoulders.  I just about had an embolsm at the Wal-Mart self-checkout.  Once home, I was OK again.  I sent an email to everyone I know that prays and asked for their prayers.

I can't do this alone.  On my drive home yesterday I cried simply, "I cannot do this!"  It's terrifying, really.  I do not want to risk smoking again.  I don't know how to live without this habit.  Why does God instantly deliver some, but not others?  Why can't I just wake up and never want it again?

I'm worried of the cost of nicotine gum.  I only spend about $30 a month on my e-cig.  Then I think about Fiesta Texas.  That water park....wouldn't it be nice to run around that park not worrying about an electronic device?  Having the ability to breathe so I can lose the weight so I can wear a bathing suit! 

But it's going to be so hard and I know it.  I quit smoking for 12 hours so many times.  So many times I didn't even last a full day.  And the fear of gaining weight is a real issue for me.  More than most smokers, I'd bet.  When I was shopping for anti-depressants, I'd refuse to take something if the threat of gaining was even a tiny side effect.  The withdrawel, what goes on in your mind, over and over and over....

That's the hardest part.  I want it, I need it, I'm gonna have it, I NEED it and you feel like you're going to cave in on yourself if you don't allow yourself that smooth delicious feeling.  If God does not deliver from this, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it.

D on the Report Card Pt 1

All I heard were the words "lung disease".  I really didn't hear what the doctor said before those words, or after.  I'm not being dramatic; I really couldn't tell you what she said.  This was my follow-up appointment after breathing tests and what I've suspected to have become asthma.

Let me begin from the beginning.  My parents both smoked.  I had been smoking for a year when they found out.  My mother cried.  At the time, I might've rolled my eyes at all that, but I understand now why she cried.  To tell the truth, I took up smoking because I thought I was a fat girl and no one liked me because I fat & ugly.  If I had a cigarette in my mouth, I would eat less.  To tell a bit of more truth, I was maybe only ten pounds over weight and no one liked me because I just didn't fit in.  I was 15 years old.

Now, what really makes that interesting is that I later gained 30 or 40 pounds, lost it all and began begging God to help me quit smoking.  A little more than ten years ago, my mom was diagnosed with emphysema.  The doctor told her if she did not quit smoking, she'd only live ten years.

Mom and I both quit smoking about a year ago using the Electronic Cigarette, or better known as the e-cig.  We'd both tried everything from nicotine gum to hypnosis and cold-laser therapy.  I love my e-cig.  I can use it inside at work, I've used it in restaurants where smoking has been banned.  I love the taste, the feel of it on my throat as I inhale.  It's not much more than liquid nicotine and a few additives for flavor.  It inhales like a cigarette, makes fog (or steam) similar to cigarette smoke.

For the last few months I've desperately wanted to quit though.  There's a bit of a hassle because you have extra parts, batteries and since I can hardly put the thing down, I am usually trying to do everything with one hand.  But I miss my old tiny purse.  I envy those in line at grocery store checkouts that are simply impatient for waiting, not anxious to get a fix. 

These people don't even know what it's like.  To need it, to want it, to not to be able to function without it.  And I yearn to be like them!

About six months ago the city began tearing up our neighborhood to install new water lines.  I had developed a nasty cough and some breathing issues.  I assumed it was from the extra dust.  I also threw in the fact that at work, we had just taken in twenty years' worth of mildewy, moldy clothing from the high school drama department.  Being a dry cleaner has few advantages.

On Christmas day I was struggling for air.  I hit my mom's asthma inhaler and it helped a lot.  I saw Dr. Mattson and explained my whole story.  She gave me Asmanex, a preventative-repair type inhaler and Albuterol, a rescue inhaler.  Both are quite expensive.

The first day I had the Albuterol, I had a rough night.  I was sitting on the edge of the bed, struggling to inahle.  It was like always, as though someone had sucked all the oxygen out the room.  I took 2 hits from the inhaler and it was nothing like the over-the-counter Primitine.  It was magical!  Within seconds, I could inhale.  Air was reaching my lungs and I could breathe like someone let the oxygen back into the room.

Shawn has smoked since he was about 13 years old.  Soon after I quit on the e-cig, he did too!  ....For one full month.  Some stuff was happening, he was stressed out, and he never tried to quit again.  Here's the thing though: his smoking affected my breathing.  I smoked for years and years and I could breathe OK around it.  Suddenly, it was like I just could not be around it.

Three weeks after my first visit, Dr. Mattson gave me the results of my breathing tests.  "It's like you got a 'D' on your report card," is the easy explanation.  I could have asthma and/or emphysema.  She wants me to continue the Asmanex for 3 months.  If my breathing does not improve, she said I definetely have emphysema.

For crying out loud, I'm only 29!  I'm not yet thirty years old!  Dr. Mattson said it's most likely caused more by smoking than my job as a dry cleaner so she urged me to quit the e-cig.  She also advised wearing a mask at work but that probably ain't gonna happen.

At the clinic, I was pretty cool and soaked up all this information.  I was sent for blood tests for another issue I'm having, and I was really OK with everything.  I had just enough time to run to the grocery store before heading home.

Maybe it's because I was on my period but I felt the overwhelming need to cry as I walked down the soda aisle.  And every aisle thereafter.  A great fear swept over me.  Quitting smoking is hard enough and now I have to give up this e-cig?  What if I can't do it?  Shawn smokes so I'll smell it there!  And there's cigarettes int he house.  What if I go back to smoking cigarettes?  Emphysema?!!!  I've seen the problems Mom has, how it weakens her.  And it cannot be cured!  OH GOD WHY DID I START SMOKING?  I WISH I'D NEVER STARTED SMOKING!!!!

On the drive home, I had a small panic attack.  I haven't had one in a while.  I was getting on to the interstate, hyperventilating and crying because I was so scared about quitting this e-cig.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Appalling TV

We have basic cable.  We do not have any fancy packages.  With that said, let me explain why I am so appalled.

Shawn got hooked on this show called Sons of Anarchy on FX.  It's about a motorcycle club that makes their money illegally like trading guns, etc.  Basically a soap opera for guys.  I watched the 1st season with him & it was good.  I was shocked by the language used at 9pm on basic cable but whatever.

In season 2 the club lost their gun connection, got into more trouble & were broke so they bought a porn company.  In the background of most most scenes were women making out, fondling each other, etc.  That's not uncommon for TV but these women were wearing nothing but a g string and pasties on their nipples.  Their bare breasts hanging out, shaking in front of the entire 9pm community literally shocked me!

I could not believe they put this on television!  FX is not HBO or Cinemax, it's a basic cable channel!  In an episode of Breaking Bad, which is not sex based at all, we see a flashback involving one of the low lifes in the show.  In it, he visits a strip club.  This has nothing to do with the current story line of course. 

Again, the women were dressed just as the porn stars in Sons of Anarchy, pressing the actors' faces into their bossoms and shaking, jiggling around.  I was once again shocked.

Last night we were playing cards on the floor and had the TV turned to channel G4, which is kind of a guys channel.  They run entire hours on video game reviews, show only action movies, and COPS marathons.  We had it on COPS while we played and a commercial for a program on The Adult Entertainment Expo ran three times between 8:15 and 9pm.

These women were practically naked on poles, spreading their legs.  Shawn nearly gave himself whiplash looking away from our card game.  How is it they can run a commerical showing women topless with cereal box stickers on their nipples? 

Not that I'd approve of it, but if you stuck a sticker at the end of a penis, will they put that on TV as well?  It's downright disgusting!  I hate to think of myself as a prude, but really, what's so wrong about being a little prudish?  What happened to standards and censorship on TV?  How long until this appears on local networks like NBC?

When did this country become so at ease about nakedness and sex?  It's stuff like this that makes me almost wish I lived in a county where women covered themselves thoroughly.  How is a parent supposed to protect their children from this?  The only possible thing you could do is throw out the TV, the computer, make sure they never walk into any store that sells magazines, and lock them in the closet until they are 18.

Remember what TV used to be?  The censors made sure Jennie's navel was covered at all times.  On Laugh-In they were always making camel jokes because the word "hump" was not allowed on television!

(By the way, I am only 29 and yes, I know about Laugh-In.)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Meet Jared

Meet Jared.  I hate Jared.  He's a nice enough kid.  He's 19 and I hate him.  He comes in EVERY morning with a fast food breakfast, eats fast food for lunch every day.

And he's skinny as a rail.

And I hate him for it.

I hate Shawn too.  To say he has an addiction to French Fries is no exaggeration.  When our little deep fryer broke, he freaked out.  I calmed him down, reassured him I would buy a new one the next day.  I buy 5 pound bags of the frozen taters and he loves them dearly.  Fighting french fries is no problem for me these days.  I've developed a somewhat disliking for anything frozen, out of a bag, out of a box, out of a styrofoam container.

Yet sometimes, occasionally, I simply crave the stuff like a crazy person.

Each morning at work I eat packaged turkey or roast beef on whole grain bread with a dab of Miracle Whip.  Lunch is a baked sweet potato with no butter, only Cavender's Greek seasoning.  I may have a Fiber One or Kelloggs bar to snack on.  These things are tasty to me but I envy those eating BBQ and breakfast burritos.  I hate them all.

I even like a good turkey burger.  With the right seasonings, it's a very nice change fromt he same old hamburger I've had all my life.  And, it's 50 cents a pound cheaper than beef.  Often I'll make a beef burger & myself a turkey burger.  Quite tasty.  On the other hand, there's nothing quite like a thick juicy burger, just oh so slightly burned on the outside, topped with cheddar and bacon.  Turkey cannot do that.

My boss was pushing his daughter's cookies on me today.  Practically everyone bought some, them offered me some.  I swear I cannot win!  I had one--ONE--cookie and I was proud of that.  It doesn't mean I look great in a swim suit.  It means I passed up shortbread cookies and survived another day.

I really do want to experience a water slide that I have not rode since I was 10 years old.  I love more than anything to drive up to Schlitterbaun and ride water slides I've never rode in my life!  I fear I do not have the will power.

Cravings

Partial email to April

Avoided the girl scout cookies today at work.  Had sweet potato at work & popcorn when I got home.  Pulling frozen homemade pizza for Shawn's supper.  Am doing good, but feeling a binge may be imminent.  Craving fast food & I hate fast food.  Also craving bacon & cake. 

We're discussing going to Fiesta Texas this summer to celebrate our 10th anniversary.  That's where we got together.  They have a built in water park.  Dunno if I can get to where I wanna be by summer.  I keep slipping.  Feeling nervous.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Miracle of Fiber

I've been constipated since my mother put me on solid foods.  About a year ago I discovered fiber in the form of yogurt and tasty cereal.  Fiber One Caramel Delight breakfast cereal was an absolute treat!  The problem is, I can't just sit down with a bowl.  I have to eat half the box.  Then I'm painin' for the next two days. 

I have no self control and the cereal, while delicious, has a lot of sugar.  So I quit buying it.  I quit buying a lot of things.  I cannot even have brown sugar in the house because I'll actually get into it with a spoon.  I know what you might say but in my opinion, a heroin junkie quits his heroin using friends.  I have done the same with certain foods. 

I added fiber chews (Equate brand are tasty and non-chalky) to my daily routine, got whole grain bread, discovered broccoli for the first time in my life.  Here's the thing about fiber:  While it doesn't necessarily make me feel full, it gets things moving.  Embarrassed?  Everybody poops.  Get over yourself. 

For the first time in my 29 years years, I'm going nearly everyday.  I'm even stopping up the toilet!  I call my husband, The Maintenance Man (he really is for his day job) to come plunge the toilet.  After so much practice, I've gotten better at it, but I don't tell him.  What?  He's done dishes approximately 3 times in our marriage.  Yeah, it's totally fair to get the husband to plunge the toilet when I just don't feel like doing it.

Here's another neat tidbit I learned about my obsession:  We're saving money at the grocery store.  Without my snack habit, and having half a bag of frozen green beans for dinner (add garlic, 1 TBS of margarine, grated Parmesan cheese, and Italian seasoned bread crumbs) pretty regularly, we're saving a ton of money.  Although you wouldn't know it since prices have gone up so much on everything.

OK, so I didn't do so great yesterday (hello Fritos and half a can of Spaghettios--HELLO SALT!) but I'm slowly getting there.  I still cook for Shawn, his greasy, salt laden dinners, and I have some of it too sometimes.  But I'm eating veggies, pooping, and *shutter* exercising for the first time in my adult life.

I think it's a darn good start.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I want Cheetos and I want cake!

An email to April....

I read an article by a gal who eats only all natural, organic, healthy, etc.  For a week, she ate only what she saw advertised on TV inlcuding fast food, sit down resatuarants, packaged, frozen stuff.  What happened to her physically & mentally was fascinating.

She ate some frozen pizza rolls, said they smelled like pizza but tasted like a Jelly Belly version of pizza.  Everything had an exaggerated flavor but by the end of the week, that flavor explosion was passing.  She was bloated, constipated, in a bad mood.

I would LOVE to eat like this chick eats on a normal basis but what am I supposed to do, get up at 2am to make my own bread with $12 unprocessed flour and make my own Miracle Whip from $8 eggs?  I know it would do marvels for my skin, but who can really eat like that?

I'm only just to the point of trying NOT to eat cheetos.  It's becoming an obsession.  I think about food all day.  I argue with myself and it's a real battle not to run to the dollar store down the street for junk.  I do get to where fried food just tastes nasty, I crave broccoli but I also crave chocolate cake like a heroin junkie for a fix.

I discovered Fiber One bars in a fluke while killing time for a doctor's appt.  I was hungry, didn't want to kill time at Whataburger and walked around Big Lots.  I am sure it's loaded with processed sugars and chemicals, but I figure if I load up on fiber, at least I'm going--sometimes running--to the bathroom.  It's helpful, if only to keep my bloat down.

i went 4 days without using elliptical & felt SO guilty.  Yesterday I managed 15 min & felt like I was going to die.  I felt like I did really good all day food-wise, then got hungry right before bed.  I had a turkey & cheese sandwich--then went to bed.  I was so upset with myself this morning you'd think I'd ran over my neighbor's dog. 

I need therapy.  I also need to blog instead of bothering you.  I only bother you because I know you know this evil obsession all too well.  (I still haven't lost the steroid weight)


Explanation:  About 6 weeks ago I had a heinous sinus infection.  The doc gave me steroids on top of antibiotics.  I ate everything in sight (including an ENTIRE store-bought cake) for about 5 days and gained about 5 pounds.  That's nearly traumatizing for someone with my sort of mentality.

Since the beginning of time

....Well, my time anyway.  A bit of explanation is in order.  I was a chubby kid starting around the age of nine.  At 19 I gained a lot of weight, went on the unhealthy Atkins diet, lost 40 pounds.  That doesn't sound like a lot, but I am five feet tall.  That's pretty short so five pounds affects me a bit more drastically than the rest of you folks.

As long as I can remember I've been obsessed with food.   Eating it, trying not to eat it, reading labels, thinking about it, dreaming about it while I sleep, and wishing, hoping, dreaming of being really thin.

Here's a revealtion:  I'm not fat.  I have some jiggle and a gut I'd like to get rid of and it's all I can think of.  I'd desperately like to drop my nicotine habit, but I'd keep it if I can get rid of the gut.  At five feet tall and 115 pounds, I plateaued about 8 years ago it seems.  I want to wear a bathing suit, which I have not since the age of ten.

Some days I cannot bear to look in the mirror.  Other days I stare and think, "This isn't so bad.  I got trim here, get rid of that...."  But I also wonder if no matter how thin I got, would I always see myself as fat?  I know many girls who've had (and still have) eating disorders. 

My mom is one.  After I was born she weighed close to 300lb at 5'4".  She used to  workout to Jane Fonda and ate ONE apple a day--that's all.  She's certainly much more healthy these days. She doesn't know about my crazy way of thinking.  Let's keep that one between us.  My cousin, April is another.  She ate one teeny tiny yogurt cup each day.  She was sickly skinny.  She is eating these days, but oddly obessed with her thighs. (I think we all do that.  Not that I mean we all obsess with April's thighs; our own thighs of course))  She's my council and advises me on how to eat healthily occasionally.

I'll probably post a series of my emails to April because a lot times I just do not feel like writing.

Writing....the forgotten therapy

My last post was May 16 and it was the most boring thing written.  Ever.  I didn't want to write.  I go through periods where all I want to do is write, then I don't but I feel strangely obligated because I'm keeping a blog.  I'm over it.

I'm thinking if I write it out, however sporadically it may become, it may help with my food obsession.  My moods are MUCH better due to listening to Joyce Meyer on a nearly daily basis.  No, I'm not going to church or tithing.  I'd like to but it's cold out.  If I don't have to leave he house for work, I don't leave the house.  It's too cold.

Yeah, I developed a relationship with God.  It's not super close, but it's a start.  I kind of forgot about God in my teenage years, got close to Him again in my early twenties, then forgot about Him again.  I'm talking to God again, and my moods are much more stable.  Say what you will, this works for me and a lot better than any meds I've tried.

I quit smoking 11 months ago using an electronic cigarette.  I still take in ENORMOUS quantities of nicotine, but I am a much healthier despite all that.  I bought myself an elliptical as my celebration present and am obsessed with becoming skinny.  I promised myself if I ever quit smoking, I'd have the energy to exercise.  Now I just have to find the will power.