Waist Management

I've never been thin.  Ever.  After the age of eight, I've been nothing but varying degrees of chubby.  I try not to dwell on it, but I think we all know how well that works.  I notice it more when I try on new clothes, which is every four years if I can help it.  I notice it sometimes when I use the restroom, which unfortunately for me is 1,473 times per day.  I have a bladder the size of a raisin, apparently.

I look down at myself and all I can see are my thighs spread out to Kingdom Come, my belly folding over.  I'm exactly five feet tall and I weigh 112 pounds.  This is considered "normal" weight for the height.  Why do I feel so fat?  Over time, I'd developed an unconscious habit of sucking in my gut.  I do it even at night, in my big pajama t-shirt, covered by a thin blanket, in almost pure darkness.  And I lay there, sucking in my belly as I attempt to fall asleep.

Patti & I got onto this subject at work.  She grabbed her frontal folds and stated, "I need to do something about this.  I've never been like this in my life!"  She went on to explain to me how she was super thin when she was younger.  She could eat whatever she wanted and not gain an ounce.  Women hated her.  One woman even told Patti she was "so nice".  She thought Patti was going to be a stuck up snot until she spoke to her.  After she'd gained weight, Patti found that people approached her more easily, not assuming that she was a beauty queen.  "Maybe that's why I keep it on," Patti said.  "It just makes it easier.  But now I just look at food and gain five pounds."

I went on to explain to Patti that for most of my career in school, people told me I was fat and ugly and I've always believed that.  I was brainwashed thoroughly and it stuck.  "Misty, you're pretty!" Patti exclaimed.  "You've got beautiful eyes!"

It doesn't help when people comment on how I look.  In my mind, I'm still that weird, awkward kid who could never fit in anywhere.  I told Patti, "I am messed up!  You have no idea how messed up I am!  I can't even look in the mirror after a shower; I avoid it.  I can't even stand to look at pictures of myself."

It doesn't seem fair that there are women much larger than me who have confidence and think very highly of themselves.  Well, there's a lot of things that don't seem fair but that doesn't apply here.

If I thought more of myself, maybe I'd have a sex drive.  On the other hand, I've never been Schliterbaun, a major water park in Texas.  I'd really like to go before I die.  I'd really like to put on a modest bathing suit and visit a water park someday before I die.  I'd really like to have just ten minuets in where I felt good about myself.